Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I've got a today mindset


Given that tomorrow is the anniversary of the birth of the Great Patriotic War, I thought to myself on the bus ride to work this morning, "Randal, you handsome devil, as usual, you have no post at the ready -- you sure do live on the edge, you rebel, you -- so how about penning a well-informed and witty essay glorifying this Holy Day of Obligation Prime Example of Blowback Thunderbirds Are Go to Blow Up Brown People?"

No need to point out that the above is about Bush the Smarter. Same family, same rot. I just wanted something extra riffy 'cause I'm in a bad mood.

Gentlemen, start your pimping!

"On Thursday, we will put aside politics and come together to renew that unity, to honor the memory of each and every American who died, and to grieve with the families and friends who lost loved ones while meekly reestablishing our patriotic street cred so that Beltway jokers won't pen snide copy about Democrats because that's mean and they don't do mean which is why they continually refuse to point out the permanent and crass exploitation of this event by Republicans at every opport --
Sorry, I must've fallen asleep while penning this well-informed and witty essay.

I just wish I had dreamed about naked ladies instead of Dems with spines.

Oh, and pragmatism trolls? Stick it up your ass, or I'll write about soccer.

Anyway, having run through various scenarios using other historical events that happened on September 11 in order to point out our propensity towards a grotesque nationalistic fervor worthy of a nineteenth-century tract self-published out of some lunatic's basement, I found that none of them were all that hilarious. Oh, sure, I could've lambasted the current American political and cultural scene via the Treaty of Kars deftly teaming up with Gary Numan, some of those always-comical Byzantine shenanigans, the 1973 coup d'état in Chile or, most frightening of all, the introduction of the Ford Pinto.

The more I toyed with these, the deeper I fell into self-deception which *sniff* slowly revealed its true nature to my conscious mind: self-loathing at having watched *sob* CNN for three consecutive nights.

No, it wasn't hour upon hour of Leslie the Living Stubble, Lou the Mexican and Captain 360°, merely a few moments here and there. But aren't a few moments of this Guantanamo-esque torture enough? I ask you, isn't it enough?

So, for at least fifteen agonizing minutes -- though it felt to be an eternity of screeching and painful aural violence rupturing the delicate inner ear -- I was afforded the privilege of listening to the aforementioned Leslie the Living Stubble along with Mr. Crowley, David Gurgling and Mark Harlequin wax idiotic on the Palinosity of Miss Mooseburger.

She's Distractastic!

Praise be unto Mighty Cthulhu, for I was saved by a baseball game! Yet resisting the cosmic pull of such well-coiffed and inhuman fuckery proved to be far beyond the limits of my mortal powers and I was commanded through the hidden signals beamed directly into our skulls by UN satellites to flip back during the commercial where, instead of learning about the newest deals at the local auto mart from another well-coiffed stooge in front of Old Glory -- was this section 827 of the Patriot Act, everything must be sold with a fucking flag? I know I'm in America, you fucks -- I got to hear more about Mayor Emeril and her edgy, lipsticked pigs and pitbulls.

Everyone is sexist.

Palin? Sexist.

Obama? Sexist.

Can we talk about issues now?

This is America, Randal.

Oops. Je m'excuse. Gimme more, CNN! I love celebrities!

Change up, little trooper, it'll be alright once your cross that bridge and find the merry old land of nowhere. And if not, there's always booze, though maybe you should try shooting wolves from a helicopter. I hear it's a blast!

Since I was smart enough to not watch any more of that putrefying network -- because I'm not addicted to watching teevee jerks boil my blood like some people; I've got self-control, I do -- I missed this supposed event which, frankly, I don't buy for a nanosecond. A talking hairpiece acting like a real journalist? What's next, flying pigs, with or without lipstick? Sexist! Derek Anderson, Super Bowl MVP? Randal Graves, Nobel Prize for Literature? The entire Democratic Party growing a collective spine, assailing their opponents while embracing a truly progressive platform as they distance themselves further and further from the true masters of the realm, the corporates?

I don't believe it, either.

You're having a hard time ending this post, aren't you.

That obvious, huh. Here we are, PETA babes getting their protest on in beautiful downtown Cleveland the other day.

Sexist? Ask PETA. I keep my threads on when I fight The Man.


MRMacrum said...

I do not have a comment. Just felt the urge, no, the need to tell you that.

"Change up, little trooper, it'll be alright once your cross that bridge and find the merry old land of nowhere. And if not, there's always booze, though maybe you should try shooting wolves from a helicopter. I hear it's a blast!


Okay, okay, so I commented anyway.

Angie said...

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I might like to push off the bridge to nowhere. I've been so consumed in the creation of my list that I haven't watched any cable news for many days. It's refreshing... just me and my list of hate.

La Belette Rouge said...

I am really upset by all the waste of lipstick. That is the real issue that is not being looked at by the media. Pit bulls and pigs do not need lipstick. Where is Peta when you need them? This is an outrage. Save the lipstick!

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

I always thought one perfumed the pig. Must be a coastal vs. middles thing.

by the way, I've set aside time tomorrow for lots of crying. fuck all the rest of it. the media sashay. i think i'll just mourn for the world. besides, i can only take so much happiness and today's my day for that.

big ole greasy piglet kisses to you. mwah.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

oh by the way. is democratic wimpery and republican fuckery? just want to make sure I get the categories right when I need to look something up.

Mary Ellen said...

I quit watching cable news months ago and I'm a better person for it.

If you want Bad Habit and Divine Democrat---shameless promotion is ok on this blog, right? And you can do it naked for all I care, I won't tell anyone. (you can e-mail me pictures, though...heh heh heh)

I don't plan on writing any posts on 9/11 tomorrow. We don't need to see video of the horrible events that day to remember. Let those who lost loved ones in that tragedy morn their dead in peace. Those who pray, can pray for them in silence. Those who don't pray can keep them in their private thoughts. Using it for political purposes is disrespectful and pathetic. We know that the Republicans will do just that..they already did it at their convention from what I heard. Let's hope Obama and the rest of the Democrats don't emulate the Republicans on this day.

Dean Wormer said...


I was thinking of you for some reason on the drive in when I went under an overpass with a bunch of people holding a banner and waving.

Dirty fucking hippies protesting Bush's Iraq binky?


Doe-eyed supporters of the local empty suit running for office?


They were girls in bikinis holding a banner advertising a new bikini coffee shop.

That's change we can believe in.

Sal Kilmister said...

Dean- Good work.
Randal- I stop watching cable news everyday.

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, you said you didn't have a comment, then you commented. You filthy liar! Get Chertoff on the line.

angie, that's very Nixonian of you. I think I'm scared.

LBR, especially if the lipstick wasn't tested on animals!

JNRR, you left coasters are a bit odd. Yeah, watch that happiness thing, you can OD on the stuff.

Oh, it's republican shenanigans. I only save fuckery for special occasions, like Wednesdays.

ME, normally I don't, but for some reason I have the last few days, and it's creeping me out. I haven't been able to write anything, so maybe that's part of it. I mean, it's not like I'll talk to my family, that's just ridiculous.

Please, blogwhore all you want. All, read everyone else or be condemned in public.

I know both are going to be at or near Ground Zero, I don't know if it's actually at the same time. But, like everything, goopers will use it for their own nefarious purposes, then the Dems, out of fear of being labeled commie jihadists or something, will do something goofy as well.

You don't want to see Randal naked, trust me. Ask Mrs. Graves.

dean, HA! Man, I must be a sexist pig. Is this bikini shop open even in the middle of January? Wouldn't it get pretty damn cold?

sal, well that's because you almost destroyed your soul permanently by performing those horrible viewing experiments. Good thing you stopped when you did.

MRMacrum said...

Hey now, I was against making a comment before I was for making a comment. And admitting it right away should be grounds for sympathy if nothing else.

DivaJood said...

I am appalled at the shameless, crass way the Right has co-opted 9/11 and made it something else. Suddenly, I'm really pissed off.

Oh, and btw, I've tagged you.

susan said...

By the time tomorrow's date has become a factor in whether to post or not post or watch tv coverage or just curl up in a ball and wait it out I find myself with little to say. Thinking about the victims of 9/11 for me is akin to thinking about all the innocent dead in Irag and Afganistan. In my opinion none of it has been adequately explained and the reactions have been indefensible.

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, sympathy? This is America, we've got sympathy for no one except those poor Wall Street fatcats when their stocks go down a quarter of a point.

diva, if I'm not prompting people to throw up, I'm making them angry. Hey, I'm getting the hang of this bloggery!

Oh shit, I don't have to reveal my deepest secrets or anything, do I?

susan, oh, all those dead don't count, they're not Murkans. Don't you know how this works by now? Only we matter!

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I say if the Great Cthulu Himself is not available, sic the "Cats of Ulthar" on these lipsticked piggies.

okjimm said...

Hey..... I used to love my pinto! Right up till the emergency brake failed and it rolled off that mountain in Montana.... it think it was 76? My favorite hash pipe was in the glove box, too!

Ya know, with all this lipstick talk, it may be time to buy Revlon stock.

Randal Graves said...

UC, ha! Excellent idea!

okjimm, you guys did drugs in the 70s? Really?

We never had a Pinto, nor knew anyone that did, but the dad of the dude a couple of doors down in the late 70s had this beige/yellow/unknown AMC Gremlin.

HA! I just checked, only $1.29/share. We could be rich!

Tom Harper said...

Tomorrow, on that fateful anniversary, I shall fly all of my flags at half mast (and I've got a whole house full of them). And I'll pray for the capture of the Democrats and Iraqi terrorists (same difference) who attacked us on that day :)

Utah Savage said...

watching Lou Dobbs can kill you. I know this for sure.

Stick to Tweety Randal. You can be fascinated at the growing yellowness of his feathers.

And according to Bill Maher, the real difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom is, You can neuter a pit bull.

Dusty said...

I usually find a part of your post that I hang onto as I bid you adieu...but today dude..its ALL good. ;)

Angie said...

Issues? Randal, are you seriously trying to tell us we have issues?

Randal Graves said...

tom, are those the flags you rescued out of the garbage cans at the DNC? God Bless You, American Patriot!

utah, every second you watch Lou Dobbs, another child learns Spanish.

*gasp* Oh, Bill Maher, you sexist pig with lipstick.

dusty, don't worry, I'll make up for it with my usual string of crappy posts. ;-)

angie, WE have issues, but you with the Nixonian list, have ZERO.

Anonymous said... can vent all you want about cable news. But walk in my shoes and try living in 9/11 land where it's as much a tourist attraction as it was a terruh-ist target. And while I still have your attention, ya think those PETA girls are complete vegetarians? I mean, you were there...what's your sense? ;^)

Randal Graves said...

I can imagine that would get annoying real quick. "Lookie, Mabel, Ground Zero!"

As for the PETA ladies, I ain't saying a word. ;-)