If Xmas music was a person, I'd bludgeon it to death and dance in the pool of blood.

I hate Jingle Bells.
I hate Frosty the Snowman.
I hate Winter Wonderland.
I hate Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
I hate all that cheesy, Bing Crosby-crooned, Norman Rockwell, kiddie singalong, pasty-faced cracker shit. You know, the secular stuff.

I love epic, dark, drafty, baroque, chanty, pasty-faced cracker shit instead.
You know, the Jesus-y stuff.

Quoi ?

No, true believers, you don't have an astigmatism nor has someone stealthily slipped some acid in your morning - afternoon? - coffee. This atheist loves some holy rollin' Xmas music. And to whip up some holiday spirit in my favorite flavor - the grimy, snowy, Scrooge-ian kind replete without extended family or sleighbells or outside noise - shut the fuck up, kids! - take these discs for a spin, daddy-O:


1. Piotr Tchaikovsky, The Nutcracker. Okay, this isn't very holy, nor very dark, but it is the quintessential music for the holidays, period. After the annoyance of traveling and playing nice with wingnut relatives lest punches be thrown until we can get back home and enjoy Xmas the way it should be - amidst those who aren't afraid of terrorists underneath the bed - this is the first thing that pops into my mind around this time. These two discs are so chock full of delectable melodies, that you'd have to have the cold, long-dead heart of a biomechanical Dick Cheney to despise this delightful tale. Hell, even a morose sonofabitch such as myself loves it to death.



2. various, The Baroque Christmas Album. For some reason, baroque music has always seemed suited to winter evening listening; unspoken allusions to German castles, le Grand Siècle, writing by candlelight, wagons stuck on muddy European roads, the lower classes toiling so those rich bastards could enjoy the high standard of living that us artsy types romanticize in bad blog posts. And few things conjure up the idea of the coldest season, for both good and bad reasons, than Christmas. I'm generally not a fan of 'samplers,' but everything on this album is excellent from the performances to the rich sound. So give it a spin and you'll be tracking down a copy of the complete Marc Minkowski-conducted Messe de Minuit of Charpentier in no time!



3. Johann Sebastian Bach, Christmas Oratorio. This score runs the gamut from the heaven-shattering to the placid, and if not quite up there with the Mass in B Minor in terms of his sacred output, it's pretty goddamn close. And since it's Bach we're talking about, 'nuff said. I have yet to pick up Nikolaus Harnoncourt's just-released take on this old holiday warhorse, but this set will certainly do the seasonal trick just fine until I break open the wallet once more. So much music, so little cash. Damn you, legendary composers, how I often loathe thee! There's my holiday spirit.