Friday, December 28, 2007

The Seven Deadly Sins Lies


















She got up close, and personally sneaking a link in my drink - which she had the audacity to accuse yours truly of doing! - quickly sped away, cackling in all her sultry glee.

I might have to rethink this whole 'FranIAm is a good Christian woman,' because lordy, she certainly is not! In order to wash away this naughty feeling, I must confess seven facts about myself. Seven untrue facts. Confused? Don't be. Let me enlist the help of a well-respected celebrity to explain today's proceedings:

Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of revelation is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is, no.


Thanks, Leonard, for making everything as clear as crystal.

Now, onto the faits faux de moi.

1. I was the Fifth Beatle. But they weren't rockin' enough for me, so I quit those mop tops and became the Sixth Stone. I don't want to come right out and say I came up with a lot of the Glimmer Twins' most memorable riffs, as that would be bad form, so I won't.

2. But wait, you all shout, you're not that old, Randal! Ah, mes amis, how easily we forget! Who do you think wrote all those works, Lord Byron himself? Bah! You try penning The Giaour, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage and Don Juan when nearly all of your time is spent chasing skirts through every tavern and alleyway in Europe!

3. Before my blogging days, I was a male model. The others were so jealous of my rugged good looks and vast bevy of female admirers that I was blackballed out of the industry.

4. I strut before the windows naked because, hey, I'm all about returning the pleasure to those admirers constantly camped out on my front lawn.

Karma, man, karma.

5. I invented the Thermos.

6. I never cry, because crying is for girls.

7. Once I saved a school bus full of children by shouting a cloud of obscenities at the driver of an 18-wheeler headed straight for them that was so vile, so heinous, the mere sonic vibration of unlimited fucks, motherfuckings, fucking assholes, goddamn fuckerys and go-fuck-yourself-you-fucks shorted the circuits of the rig's on-board computer and the synapses in his brain to where they both instantly and simultaneously shut down, the weight of his comatose body transferring to his left foot to where he slammed on the brakes, fishtailing to within inches of the screaming, youthful horde. No one was hurt, and I got a key to the city that was made of chocolate. I ate it on the way home, but I still have the gold foil wrapper framed above my fireplace, which I also strut naked in front of when the mood strikes.

Nothing gives me greater joy than spreading the sin around, than corrupting the incorruptible, so consider yourselves fellow shish-kabobs in various circles of hell: Mary Ellen, Marjorie, Candace, Snave, Colleen.

21 comments:

La Belette Rouge said...

I think that I read once, maybe it was Freud that said in every lie there is a glimmer of truth. That means in some microscopic, sub-atomic way and perhaps in an alternative universe you are: a Beatle, Lord Byron, responsible for keeping hit things hot and cold things cold, a male model and a life saver. I am impressed. This kind of confession makes Saint Augustine look like a hack. ;-)

FranIAm said...

"quickly sped away, cackling in all her sultry glee." The sultry makes up for the cackling.

Anyway, I am a good Christian and therefore must admit that I am a sinner. Sheesh. You won't believe this but that is something I was pondering a post on. Now if I do it, more link love for you, mon petit chien.

Merci for playing along so beautifully. Even if half these lies are totally fuckin' true!

Mary Ellen said...

Hey! Where did you get that picture of me at the top of your post????

(I'm practicing my lies....)

Ok, Randal, this will be a fun meme, but the question is,do I have to go to Confession after I do it? Darn...I just went last week, the priest is going to think I'm hitting on him!

I'll have my lies up tomorrow. I promise...ok, maybe that's a lie.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, if that's true, than Alternate Universe Randal is very different from Baseline Universe Randal. And I'd rather have been in the Stones. ;-)

Fran, a post on admitting that you're a sinner? I like to follow the old Greek philosophical view of such things: you sin when you don't strive towards your best self. Which makes me a sinner because I'm a lazy, lazy man.

And the only thing true in this post is that I say variations of 'fuck' a lot.

Can I assume that you mentioned about the linky because one of the first names that pop in your head when thinking about vile sinners is me? Thanks, I think?

ME, anytime you wanna show up at my door dressed like that, feel free. And the more confession, the merrier. Always good to get things off - oops, I forgot that this is a family blog. All you ladies are making it very lusty in here.

Colleen said...

I feel a bit of eVil in my bones. Muhahahaha. You might regret reading about bizarro colleen. But no bother, don't believe it because its all a lie. A delicous lie. And speaking of lies...Mary Ellen, that picture of you at the top of the post looks familiar. Are you stealing my clothes again?

What is it about this post makes me want to curse like two Marines wading through the mud?

b said...

I must now assume that this schoolgirl in the photo is actually you, then? The naked thing, being a male model, Byron, and the school bus.

Hmph... you have very nice um, hair. :)

dguzman said...

Well played, sir!

Randal Graves said...

Colleen, I live with myself, so I can handle bizarre. This post is full of vulgarity and sexual innuendo, and what bizarro doesn't love that?

b, I'm too sexy for this blog. And I have better legs than she does. Am I still lying? That's for the reader to decide. :)

dguzman, merci, mademoiselle !

pissed off patricia said...

I was so waiting for you to say you were a closet Cowboys fan. Since you didn't say it, maybe you are. ;)

Colleen said...

DAMN YOU! Now I have that god foresaken song stuck in my cranium..

"I'm too sexy for this blog, too sexy for this blog, so sexy it huuuuuuurts."

La Merde.

Randal Graves said...

POP, I HATE THE FUCKING DALLAS COWBOYS, I HATE DANDY DON AND ROGER THE DODGER AND DANNY WHITE AND GARY HOGEBOOM AND TROY AIKMAN AND JASON GARRETT AND QUINCY CARTER AND TONY ROMO. Just so we're clear. ;-)

Colleen, la merde is right, I actually kind of feel bad about that because, fuck, does that song deserve to never be heard again.

Zen Chef said...

Oh man...this is sooo hilarious! hahaha
When i grow up i wanna be just like you!

Randal Graves said...

You'd have to unlearn how to cook!

Freida Bee said...

I don't know what to believe anymore.

TomCat said...

Poor Randal! Gotta watch out for that Fran! It's a good thing she knows that I only do memes that honor other blogs.

b said...

No, I'm sure you have sexier legs than she does. But can you pull off (er, pull off is a bit latent with alternate meaning, eh?) a plaid skirt like that? Surely, with your Catholic upbringing you can!

Randal Graves said...

Freida Bee, just believe whatever I say.

Tomcat, I'm telling ya, I'm never trusting another Christian again!

b, well I do have Scottish heritage. Add your own bagpipe joke. ;-)

Candace said...

Well this is different - a meme that blatantly seeks to corrupt! I likey!

Madam Z said...

We campers are just waiting patiently for you to OPEN THE GODDAMNED DRAPES! SHEESH!

Randal Graves said...

Candace, I assumed that you would, given how evil us atheists are!

madam z, tut, tut, first I must have my tea, then you may see me in all my glory. Man, that's a lot of assonance.

TomCat said...

But Randal, you can trust Fran! She'll getcha every time!! ;-)