Randal's Real World Curriculum

Hey, fine people, what's with the deluge of tagging all of the sudden? [I'm not too distraught as it allows me to hold off finishing another whiny, tortured writer post languishing in development hell] Well, be prepared for a heavily-medicated - of the Robotussin/Tylenol/chicken soup/booze variety - meme that will surely be bland and banal and boring, but you were warned ahead of time, so no refunds. No, not even for the 'general fee.' I love the 'general fee.' It's how I bought my house.

Anyway, the Naughty Nun has proposed that I "write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND - and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.” Hey, those aren't our rules, but I fear the internets Guantanamo, probably run by my tagger herself - did you see her list? I'm not sure whether to be scared or delightfully intrigued - so I'm going to be a good boy and follow suit. But certainly not wear one, 'cause we're all about the casual at Randal U. Especially for the ladies, wink, nudge, etc.

Listen on up, incoming frosh, here's your schedule!

9am, HOW TO EFFECTIVELY ROLL A JOINT

Marijuana enthusiasts, this is your chance to acquire the fine art of rolling a joint like a professional! Rolling your own is a time honored way of smoking cannabis and this class will aid you to be the well-trained joint roller that you always wished to be! Don't let your government bring you down. When your President stands before the American people to lie about the state of the union, you will have the tools to withstand anything he says. BYOP (Bring your own pot). Rolling papers and lighters will be supplied.

10am, BECOME A SIMPSONS CHARACTER

No, I'm not suggesting one must 1)slog through the drudgery of famousness, evading paparazzi with the skill of a ninja while refusing to tip the poor shlub who parked your car with a faux smile; 2)kidnap Matt Groening at gunpoint and force him to force the forced-at-gunpoint Korean animators to add you to the proceedings; 3)resort to using the movie site's icon generator. Merely by enrolling in this class will you be assured of a prominent place in a future, televised Simpsons episode! In order to have the appearance of being educational, we'll spend the time watching the show with the joints leftover from the 9am class. Bring your own chips. One caveat: many former guest stars, after appearing on The Simpsons, have died. Be forewarned.

11am, LEARN TO PLAY BY LISTENING TO COMPACT DISCS

Talentless wastrel? Hopeless dreamer trapped in delusions of rock star grandeur? Fret no longer, mes amis! Merely by listening to music CDs, you will acquire the profound power to play the instrument of your choice at a world-class level! Prefer banging your head to Black Sabbath? You'll be blasting bludgeoning power chords in no time! Rather wax poetic to the soothing sounds of a Mozart divertimento? Oh, the sweetness soon to be emanating from the strings of your Stradivarius! Dig the jangly alt-rock of the best college town rockers? Move over, Peter Buck! Instruments sadly not included. Sorry, the feds keep on slashing our budget.

12pm, a long, lazy, languorous lunchery of food and drink

2pm, BETTER LIVING THROUGH TIME TRAVEL

One of the enduring wishes of us history geeks is the ability to travel through time to see first hand the epochs and events that interest us the most. Well now you can, with this amazing, single-semester course! Learn the secret art of space-time continuum manipulation! Explore your chosen field fully versed in the language of your choice! No Latin? No problem! Discover the heretofore unknown nuances that prevent the paradoxical alteration of history itself that so much bad sci-fi has warned us about! So go and step on that bug with impudence! And just remember, the next time some wanker says that no one knows the real reason for Ovid's banishment from Rome, you can say, 'fuck you, good sir, but I was there." Illegal substances necessary for said travel not included.

3pm, HOW TO FIND A LOVER WITH BAD POETRY

Listen, us unattractive types have enough problems as it is getting up close and personal with that special human being. Or, even if they're not all that special, they're at least lustable. So what to do when you have the unshaven face of a coked-out Alice In Chains roadie, no fancy car nor snappy threads? Lyrical lamentations of leering love, losers! Birth paeans like Byron, pen like Petrarch, cajole like Catullus, seduce like Shakespeare, be risque like Ronsard - once you've completed our course, a few simple lines will have you gasping for air after the dirty deed has been done uncounted times! Casanova? A chump!

The next batch of tagged suckers - I'm never sure what's considered proper, three, five, six, twenty-nine? Oh well, here's six: La Belette Rouge (sorry, mon amie, think of this as karma for deftly avoiding the last one), Freida Bee, My Inner French Girl, Fairlane, Dr. Zaius, dCup. Standard disclaimers apply.