Sunday, December 9, 2007

Randal's Real World Curriculum

Hey, fine people, what's with the deluge of tagging all of the sudden? [I'm not too distraught as it allows me to hold off finishing another whiny, tortured writer post languishing in development hell] Well, be prepared for a heavily-medicated - of the Robotussin/Tylenol/chicken soup/booze variety - meme that will surely be bland and banal and boring, but you were warned ahead of time, so no refunds. No, not even for the 'general fee.' I love the 'general fee.' It's how I bought my house.

Anyway, the Naughty Nun has proposed that I "write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND - and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.” Hey, those aren't our rules, but I fear the internets Guantanamo, probably run by my tagger herself - did you see her list? I'm not sure whether to be scared or delightfully intrigued - so I'm going to be a good boy and follow suit. But certainly not wear one, 'cause we're all about the casual at Randal U. Especially for the ladies, wink, nudge, etc.

Listen on up, incoming frosh, here's your schedule!

9am, HOW TO EFFECTIVELY ROLL A JOINT

Marijuana enthusiasts, this is your chance to acquire the fine art of rolling a joint like a professional! Rolling your own is a time honored way of smoking cannabis and this class will aid you to be the well-trained joint roller that you always wished to be! Don't let your government bring you down. When your President stands before the American people to lie about the state of the union, you will have the tools to withstand anything he says. BYOP (Bring your own pot). Rolling papers and lighters will be supplied.

10am, BECOME A SIMPSONS CHARACTER

No, I'm not suggesting one must 1)slog through the drudgery of famousness, evading paparazzi with the skill of a ninja while refusing to tip the poor shlub who parked your car with a faux smile; 2)kidnap Matt Groening at gunpoint and force him to force the forced-at-gunpoint Korean animators to add you to the proceedings; 3)resort to using the movie site's icon generator. Merely by enrolling in this class will you be assured of a prominent place in a future, televised Simpsons episode! In order to have the appearance of being educational, we'll spend the time watching the show with the joints leftover from the 9am class. Bring your own chips. One caveat: many former guest stars, after appearing on The Simpsons, have died. Be forewarned.

11am, LEARN TO PLAY BY LISTENING TO COMPACT DISCS

Talentless wastrel? Hopeless dreamer trapped in delusions of rock star grandeur? Fret no longer, mes amis! Merely by listening to music CDs, you will acquire the profound power to play the instrument of your choice at a world-class level! Prefer banging your head to Black Sabbath? You'll be blasting bludgeoning power chords in no time! Rather wax poetic to the soothing sounds of a Mozart divertimento? Oh, the sweetness soon to be emanating from the strings of your Stradivarius! Dig the jangly alt-rock of the best college town rockers? Move over, Peter Buck! Instruments sadly not included. Sorry, the feds keep on slashing our budget.

12pm, a long, lazy, languorous lunchery of food and drink

2pm, BETTER LIVING THROUGH TIME TRAVEL

One of the enduring wishes of us history geeks is the ability to travel through time to see first hand the epochs and events that interest us the most. Well now you can, with this amazing, single-semester course! Learn the secret art of space-time continuum manipulation! Explore your chosen field fully versed in the language of your choice! No Latin? No problem! Discover the heretofore unknown nuances that prevent the paradoxical alteration of history itself that so much bad sci-fi has warned us about! So go and step on that bug with impudence! And just remember, the next time some wanker says that no one knows the real reason for Ovid's banishment from Rome, you can say, 'fuck you, good sir, but I was there." Illegal substances necessary for said travel not included.

3pm, HOW TO FIND A LOVER WITH BAD POETRY

Listen, us unattractive types have enough problems as it is getting up close and personal with that special human being. Or, even if they're not all that special, they're at least lustable. So what to do when you have the unshaven face of a coked-out Alice In Chains roadie, no fancy car nor snappy threads? Lyrical lamentations of leering love, losers! Birth paeans like Byron, pen like Petrarch, cajole like Catullus, seduce like Shakespeare, be risque like Ronsard - once you've completed our course, a few simple lines will have you gasping for air after the dirty deed has been done uncounted times! Casanova? A chump!

The next batch of tagged suckers - I'm never sure what's considered proper, three, five, six, twenty-nine? Oh well, here's six: La Belette Rouge (sorry, mon amie, think of this as karma for deftly avoiding the last one), Freida Bee, My Inner French Girl, Fairlane, Dr. Zaius, dCup. Standard disclaimers apply.

17 comments:

La Belette Rouge said...

I'll take my karma like a big girl! I’m in ;-) I will need to check with my academic advisor. Not sure when I'll get an appointment--but I assure you I will get my class schedule up this week.

Being in one of your classes is great---just no "copying." I was one of those girls who would dramatically cover my paper to prevent those around me from gaining unfair advantage from all my hours of anal-retentive study. However, there are a few of your classes that I may need to copy off of you. So, forget what I just said. :-)
Hey, and, feel better! I always find Chamomile tea, honey and Jack Daniels to be a cure-all.

Mary Ellen said...

Time Travel! Yes!!! Wait a minute...do you get motion sickness when you travel through time? No problem, I'm sure the drugs will help.

You did a great job, considering you've got the plague, Randal.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, oh no, certainly no rush, take your time. And copying is fine since we'll all be too high to notice anyway. :) And I might try that last remedy!

ME, time travel is smooth and mellow like a puff of the finest. Et merci, but it's only malaria. I had the black death last year. ;-)

Candace said...

Randall U would be a blast. I thought if anyone tagged me, I would have a time travel course! Um, one question, though: How does one, using bad poetry, find a lover, anyway? :)

SamuraiFrog said...

I think I need an extra long joint class followed by the compact discs and a long lunch. Then it's back to the dorms to nap.

My record will be spotty, with occasional bouts of enthusiasm. Sorry, my homework makes me logey.

Colleen said...

Great schedule. What are the tests like? Will there be extra credit?

I imagine something along the lines of charades.

Freida Bee said...

Let this serve as your letter of admission to FreidaBee U, which has a few classes that may be to your liking, young grasshopper.

Randal Graves said...

Candace, that's the beauty of it! On doesn't HAVE to be as skilled as the masters, but they will get more lovin'!

Samuraifrog, don't worry man, grades are optional. It's all about the life experience.

Colleen, what's a test? Now, charades is a very interesting idea. I just have to think how to tie it into the curricula. No karaoke though, the idea makes me shudder. :)

Freida Bee, I shall peruse the class offerings immediately!

fairlane said...

Damn you, and your "memes!"

FranIAm said...

Where do I matriculate? I am more ready to go back to school than I imagined!

As for this- [I'm not too distraught as it allows me to hold off finishing another whiny, tortured writer post languishing in development hell]

I have come to rather anticipate such posts and enjoy them. Please resume after that football post. Honey you know that is lost on me.

Also- excellent photo for this post. Truly excellent.

Randal Graves said...

fairlane, muahahahaha!

Fran, I know, I'm loving all these curricula. Think the Republicans might come up something a wee bit less appealing? :)

Merci, but I'm at a loss on this one, trust me. I might have to resort to a goofy album cover. And easily one the handful of top comedies of all time. It's nearly impossible to get sick of that movie!

DCup said...

Dammit. I was hiding from this one. You've got some good stuff here. How am I going to follow this?

My Inner French Girl said...

Bonjour, dear Randal! Wow, what is it with memes lately? I think I may have forgotten a couple for which I was tagged.

This sounds like such fun, though! May I apply for admission into your Time Travel class? Do we get to watch movies while we're at it? Like Somewhere in Time? Or Star Trek IV?

I do like the idea of being a Simpsons character. I think I want to be Nelson's dad. I love me my Pop-Tarts.

Thanks for giving me another subject to write about! ;-)

Salut,
Marjorie

Mauigirl said...

At the rate this meme is traveling, pretty soon every one of us will have done it eventually!

I like your courses!

Randal Graves said...

dcup, unless you've suddenly lost the ability to write quality stuff, I wouldn't worry about it. :)

MIFG, I know, they've been like a plague, but one of the good kinds. And absolutely, the enjoyment of life is the motto of Randal U!

mauigirl, I think that's the devious plan. Thanks!

Scarlet W. Blue said...

I'd take your time travel class.

Randal Graves said...

I'm certain it would be enjoyable for all. Now we can make sure that Poppy never impregnates Babs and not have to worry about the consequences!