Thursday, October 9, 2008

Barney says 'sharing means caring!'

"I said start sharing, you sonofabitch."

One of my favoritest things in the whole entire wide expansive colossal gigantic world of continental drift that will eventually crash and reform into a brand new über-landmass of Cyclopean proportion long after we've managed to eradicate ourselves via nuclear or biological weaponry or mass Darwinism is being tagged by someone with a meme because it keeps me from having to put any thought into the next post, thereby saving precious joules of brain power for my stupendously horrid offline writing. So, thanks, La Belette Rouge, despite the strangeness of the tag itself. Pastries? I don't think anyone has ever asked me that. Oh, and having the tag accompanied by a wink was completely unnecessary as I already got one from my BFF Sarah last week. Nyah nyah nyah!

Okay, eleven things you may or may not know about yours truly:

1. Clothes shop: *laughs uncontrollably until head bursts* Anyone have any Krazy Glue? Contrary to popular fact, I actually do own a few shirts that aren't T and also a suit -- not pictured -- for that one time every 7 or 8 years when my wife and I can go somewhere in public without the goddamn offspring that isn't a heavy metal concert. Almost makes me glad they aren't big fans of dad's old man music.

2. Furniture shop: *puzzled* I don't remember where we got our stuff. They're nothing fancy, I can tell you that much. I'll buy something swanky when the kids are out of the house unless we're living in a cardboard box by then or have been eradicated via nuclear or biological weaponry.

No Darwinism for me!

3. Sweet: Yes I am, merci beaucoup ! Oh, you meant a confectionery type item. Well, I am sweet, you fuckers. Watch.

How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
I only need one hand, for these endless days
give me nothing but a head full of greys.
Wife, you're nuts. Kids, you're insane
and all three break synapses, my brain --
I can't think of a rhyme -- shit -- Spanish main.


Honestly, I love the maple candy you can get at the Chardon Maple Festival. Sure, the hokey, countrified atmosphere is about 180° from my personality, and generally makes me want to go all Ass-Kickin' Levi Fuckin' Redneck on 'em after about five minutes, which is all the time you need to buy the stuff and get the hell out, but dammit, I could eat boxes of that stuff until my stomach exploded and you needed hydrochloric acid to get the stains of splattered entrails off the wall. It's that good.

4. City: Why, Cleveland, of course! [this is asking me where I am and not where I want to be, right?]

5. Drink: If I don't say le vin, then the ghosts of a million failed French writers will transcend the boundary between here and the afterlife, materializing in our four dimensions to collectively kick my soon-to-be ectoplasmic ass.

6. Music: I can headbang with the best of them, but if we're talking desert island, there's really only one possible answer.

No, I'm not crying, I've got something in my eye. Fuck off.

7. TV series: Oh, there are so many to choose from --

"This is what'll happen if you don't pick us!"

8. Film: Oh, there are so many to choose from --

What, no Darth Vader or Satan or Crown Prince or Sauron or Michael Myers or Raymond Burr or terrible quirk of fate to threaten me with violence?

Saw me flexing, huh. Cowards.

9. Workout: Channel surfing certainly does goddamn count. Thumbs of steel. Oh, I walk to and from the bus stop not five, but six, days a week.

Near my house and downtown.

"You're gonna crap crap, Graves!"

10. Pastries: Picking just one is nigh impossible, but I suppose a danish with some kind of fruit: blueberry, apricot, raspberry. And don't ever forget to serve it with a steaming hot cup of --

11. Coffee: Given the fact that the cups of specialty beans sold where I work cost 42 billion in adjusted dollars -- what is that, a few dozen Euros? -- we brew and since we have to deal with jokers for hour after hour of living hell, quantity is the order of the day, so whatever vaguely tasty, reasonably strong yet affordable junk we can find, we have. Hey, it's either a few pots of that or I come to work angry and plastered. Take your pick, administration.

Oh shit, almost forgot the next batch of victims: the boss, the Pope of Beer, Donuts and Irrational Hockey Hatred, DCup, Non, je ne regrette rien, Utah Savage.


pissed off patricia said...

Sorry to go off topic on ya, but did I hear this right? Did the Browns QB endorse McCain? I mean I didn't hear the entire bit, but that's what I thought they said on the teevee this morning. Oh Nozzzzz!

Übermilf said...

You are such a meme-whore.

Is there anything you won't do?

La Belette Rouge said...

Big old Barney hug to you Randal.;-) Oops, I winked again. Thanks for playing the meme game with me. There is no one in the entire internets who makes a meme so there own. Happy to see you and I share the same fitness program if not the same fashion philosphy.

Um, you have left the Barney song in my head. I need coffee and pastry and some Morrissey to get that out.

Oh, and to answer ubermilf's questions, yes apparently you will not write the shoe post you owe me. It is my blogiverasry. So, I am waiting.....

FranIAm said...

Barney- just what I would come to expect on this blog!!!

Memewhore is right. Very right.

In the meantime, I am an unappreciative award winner... Barney would disapprove of me. But would Sarah Palin be my friend?

Border Explorer said...

I don't believe I've ever seen wine inspire writing of that calibre.

Randal Graves said...

POP, c'est vrai. But how many cracker quarterbacks aren't Republican? Drew Brees is the only one that immediately comes to mind.

übermilf, oh hell no, I'm as easy as pie.

LBR, I think our physical slackertude and love of frog-related items can transcend my lack of quality appearances.

I did promise that, didn't I. And on top of that, I gave you the Barney song. I feel like such a heel. ;-)

fran, don't piss Barney off, he'll fuck your shit up.

Is being called a memewhore sexist?

Sarah will only be your friend if you're The First Dude, a Republican donor, or a wolf or a moose on the run.

BE, believe me, you don't want to see any of my actual wine-inspiring writing. Frightening in an RNC way.

DivaJood said...

For the first time, ever, I am happy to be tagged because I haven't got an original thought in my brain. Nary a one. Well, that's not entirely true, I have one thought. I forget what it is, though. I guess that alone qualifies me to be President, eh?

So. The eleven, eh? Does this get written into the platform?

Utah Savage said...

You bastard. I had plans. I have important things to do. I already post three times today so I could take the day off and now this??? There are important world shaking events going on I must cover not to mention plums that need picking. And winter is baring down on me. I wake up to seeing my breath in the room. Must turn heater on. Damn thing is so difficult to get turned on, electric ignition to light the pilot. Mother fecker!!

Utah Savage said...

I back tracked to La Belette Rouge to get the real rules in this mother and I find no meme there. You have made this one up and have blamed it on the innocent. Until I get further clarification I will assume you made it up and I promise I too can make shit up. So, for the moment I'm ignoring you. Lalalalalala.

Utah Savage said...

Oh, I forgot to mention, you were once quite cute. Whatever happened to that lovely young man?

Dean Wormer said...

Barney's never really recovered since he played Charles Barkley in that game of one on one. (youtube it if you're wondering.)

This is good information about you but none of it is blackmail worthy. That's what we need here.

Anonymous said...

Can I just write eleven paragraphs about how much I love pastries and be done with it?

Candace said...

I espeschly loved the poesy. :)

Randal Graves said...

diva, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it involves Alan Rickman.

Um, our platform is done. Surely you recall that you didn't hire me for my legendary work ethic.

utah, muahahahaha! Have you thought about burning books to keep warm? I hear that's all the rage these days.

The link works, I just checked! I would never deign to make stuff up. Who do I look like, some pseudonymous blogger?

And for the record, I've always been an ugly bastard.

dean, oh yeah, I remember that. Aren't you supposed to blackmail rich people? Typical lefty, doing the wrong thing.

dcup, that's fine with me. I'm a memewhore, not a memepoliceofficer.

Dammit, now I want a pastry.

Randal Graves said...

candace, I'm glad, I worked long, hard seconds on that piece. ;-)

DivaJood said...

Actually, Randal, I don't think that my idea had anything to do with AR. I can't remember. It was probably a good idea, though. My cousin John once had a good idea. He wrote it down on a piece of paper. But it burned up in a fire, and he can't remember what it was.

Randal Graves said...

I've got it. Tattooing! Get a wonderful, magical idea, don't record it on something easily lost like a piece of a paper or a desktop computer.

"Hey man, that's a cool skull, but what does it say underneath?"

"Don't forget to pickup milk and bread."

DivaJood said...

Randal! That's it! I'm out of milk and I have to get some. Whew. Thank you for reminding me.

okjimm said...

//You are such a meme-whore.//

Mein Whore? Ja! And I be a Beer Nazi! Swig Heil!

Oh, and anothe reason NOT to like hockey!!

'PHILADELPHIA - Sarah Palin's next faceoff will come at centre ice at an NHL arena, not at a debate.

The Republican vice-presidential nominee will drop the ceremonial first puck when the Philadelphia Flyers open the regular season against the New York Rangers on Saturday.

Palin, the Alaska governor and self-described "hockey mom," will join the winner of a team promotion for the "Ultimate Hockey Mom" to drop the puck.

Last month, Palin visited a Philadelphia bar with Flyers owner Ed Snider, who has donated money to Republican presidential nominee John McCain's campaign.

"Because of the tremendous amount of publicity she has brought to our sport, we invited the most popular hockey mom in North America to our home opener to help us get our season started," Snider said in a team statement Wednesday. "We are very excited she has accepted our offer and we are very proud of the publicity she is generating for hockey moms and the sport of hockey." '

... and I never was keen on Philly, either!

Randal Graves said...

diva, anything to help my fellow prisoners.

okjimm, it's time for a Beer Hall Putsch, but with beer!

That's old news, you should read my blog! (see below) Between Mooselini and some Browns foolishly appearing with McPOW, well, I'm angry at sports.

Liberality said...

I like my coffee the way I like my men--strong and dark.

What's this I hear about Sarah Palin's mustashe? And why haven't you blogged about it yet?

Randal Graves said...

That's how I like my coffee, but I prefer my men to be women, any color is fine. Well, I'm not sure about those green chicks from Orion.

Because I just found out about it from you! She has a moustache?

Beach Bum said...

You know the Simpsons have almost into a true art form in the caricature of the American society it portrays. Plus my sympathy for Homer knows no bounds having to deal with a son like Bart.

Distributorcap said...

i dont know about anyone else--- i was stuck on the polyester of #1

Faded said...

because no one expects the INQUISITON!

I was going to do a drive-by meme answer, even tho I was, like high school basketball, not picked. Then it occurred to me that even I am not interested in my answers to these questions.

uh,,, Doh ....?

Faded said...

Swig Heil?! Mein Gott!

Well played, sir. Well played.

Randal Graves said...

BB, I couldn't agree more on all counts. If my kids were like Bart, I'd have even less hair than I do now.

dcap, fond memories? ;-)

faded, dcup actually took this meme and time traveled with it, so that was pretty cool. If I did that, my answers would be even less interesting.

And that okjimm's a hoot. We pay him in beer and he pays us with one-liners.

Our Juicy Life said...

ah...a peek into you...well sort of. I like it.

Anonymous said...

I'm really think you can only be read in small doses. I feel like I'm on a spacey ship called headed for the Restaurant at the end of the Universe. Is knowing you personally as perverse as reading your blog?

okjimm said...

// Is knowing you personally as perverse as reading your blog?//

Ha! Another reason to avoid Cleveland!!