Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Things That Are Scary, pt. 666


So I'm on the bus this morning, angry at the world because you know how it is when listening to an old CD -- I wonder whatever happened to the host -- on new technology; even turning it up to eleven doesn't always drown out the banality of public transportation conversations.

It's 6h15 am. Shut the fuck up and look out the window.

And would it kill you to brush your teeth?

Seriously, even if I'm only one seat away I should not be able to smell your carefully cultivated halitosis. But what really got me was the following. In my quest, dashed because of the darkly tinted plastic advertising mesh affixed upon the glass outside, of trying to catch a glimpse of hot business chick cleavage find a portal to an old memory that I know lies hidden within the rapidly shifting and disappearing details in the skies, I noticed, while we were stopped at a red light, this:

Except these were larger and, yes, blue.

This proves once and for all that Cuyahoga County is indeed Real America®. Now if we could only update our nuclear arsenal. I don't like the way Summit County has been rattling its saber.


Übermilf said...

I bet they were made in China.

La Belette Rouge said...

Carry some Altoids with you when on the bus and after handing your stinky neighbor a curiously strong mint I would then be sure to use some Purell. Cause, if their breath is so bad I would worry about all over grooming.

I once sat all to near to a man on the Metra who was clipping his nails and letting his nail shards fly all over the train. I had to work hard not to yell at him and recommend that his disgusting nail bits might be more at home in his likely disgusting and slovenly home. I bit my tongue as I was not on the "Straight Talk Express", I was on the Northbound Waukegan line.

La Belette Rouge said...

Oops, forgot to subscribe to your comments.

Liquid said...

This is hysterical! I've always wished I had a pair of balls. (just to give me the strength to say EXACTLY what I think...ALL the time) If I had a pair I planned to put them on my mantle and simply pet them each time I passed by. But now it seems my wish for a pair may soon be granted....WHERE IN THE HELL CAN I FIND A HITCH LIKE THAT?

This post is hysterical, by the way!

Dean Wormer said...

If you were living in a REAL state they'd offer that image on custom license plates.

Liberality said...

oh god, I hate those stupid things! red, blue or whatever.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, Real Americans® eat melamine for breakfast.

LBR, Altoids? Can I carry a can of Lysol instead?

You should have called that guy a socialist and chastised him for his ties to toenail-clipping terrorists.

Subscribe, damn you!

liquid, hey, there are days I wish I had a pair, too. And a pair of these would be a hell of a conversation piece. Forget the expensive art books or fancy imported crystal, go with the plastic scrotum.

dean, instead of Choose Life, Choose Balls?

liberality, today was the first time I had ever seen them. I love this weirdo country.

okjimm said...

OK. I mean, they are cute and everything, but shouldn't they be Cheese Balls?

Border Explorer said...

What scares me is when they want to update the nukular arsinal. Those nukular weapons are powerful.

susan said...

Hair Balls is more like it.

Hmm.. Mutual Assured Destruction county by county? Now I'm really worried about the effects of a new Republican administration.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, more Wisconsinism propaganda.

BE, I've heard they can blow up as much as three or four people at once!

susan, coughing one up is the sound I make when I see a politician on teevee.

Hey, if you would've heard what those bastards in Akron have been saying, you'd want nukes, too. And don't even get me started about the loons in Tuscarawas County!

Utah Savage said...

My new old Dodge Caravan is blue. Where can I get a set of the blue ones and the ones pictured are a tad small don't you thinK? And they should hang, at least a bit to look slightly more realistic. The scrotum will go nicely with the other icons of my identity like "I'm a constitution voter, and the Amnesty International one, and the NO THIRD TERM/VOTE DEMOCRAT, and the OBAMA/BIDEN one.

Stella said...

I love these! You can bet them at Bulls Balls.

Don't worry, Utah Dear, they come in bigger sizes (no pun... oh hell, pun intended...) I have a bumper sticker that says "Don't cut off my rights and I won't cut of yours" complete with a pair of scissors.

I get some interesting looks.

Anonymous said...

Dude...Slayer? If were the guy with halitosis riding next to you and I had to hear the din of that hair band's music over the drone of the bus's engine, I'd make every effort to breathe in your general direction. Heh. But the bulls balls? Okay, that's a keeper.

Randal Graves said...

utah, the ones I saw actually did look pretty realistic. It was kind of creepy, although not as creepy as your overt Socialism®.

stella, oh, I see you're a member of the She-Woman Man Haters Club. Why am I thinking of the woman officer in the Police Academy movies talking about 'brass balls this big?' Oh, Steve Guttenberg, how crappy you were.

spartacus, I understand, Gordon Lightfoot fan, too loud and old age and such. ;-)