Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Full Disclosure®

"Yasser, my main man! How've you been?"
"Oh, being dead takes all of my time. It's a bitch."
"Laugh, chuckle, at least you don't have ring around the collar!"
"Chortle, wheeze! Say, where's Randal?"
"Shit! I forgot to send him the invite!"

My fellow Americans, my friends, the Most Important Election In Our Lifetime® is taking place next Tuesday. In case you've forgotten, and I know you haven't, here's our platform, so much better than the stale collections of empty promises of all those other jokers, no?

Because of this Important Moment In History®, I felt it only right to be honest with you, the hard-working men and women of Real America®.

Tonight, I had dinner with a man -- and I use the term loosely, the sick, traitorous bastard -- who dares criticize Things Most Sacred®.

"You're at work. You had dinner with yourself. Ramen noodles."

Technically, I didn't lie.

"Technically, you're an asshole."


"Among other things, Israel was described there as the perpetrator of terrorism rather than the victim," Palin said at a rally in Ohio. "What we don't know is how Randal Graves responded to these slurs on a country that he professes to support."
I've also described another country I profess to support as a perpetrator of terrorism. I'm too embarassed to say which one, but I will give you a hint: it starts with Real and ends with America®.

I'm hanging my head in shame as I type this.

Of course those are Real Tears®.
"If there was a tape of John McCain in a neo-Nazi outfit, I think the treatment of the issue would be slightly different," McCain said in an interview with Hispanic radio stations.
He'd no doubt garner rave reviews.

Hey, I don't have photoshop. Use your imagination.


Beach Bum said...

With six days left I wonder what we startling new revelation McCain will dig up about Obama tomorrow?
What ticks me off is that not much has ever been mentioned about Todd Palin's involvement with the Alaskan Independence Party.

Border Explorer said...

Yep, it's crunch time for the Jood campaign. What lies will McPOW/Palin level at us in the next six days? Thank God for your international connections with terrorists...that ought to intimidate the opposition, Randal. That and your rapier-sharp wit. For instance, I'm dying of laughter after this post. Maybe we can kill off the GOP in that way? The next six days will tell that tale...

Distributorcap said...

off topic randal

is that you with this major fan club on facebook.....

just askin

La Belette Rouge said...

I am so happy to hear that people are getting fatigued with the whole campaign and maybe they will quit watching the news for the next six days and just show up and vote--so no matter what smack McCain talks no one will hear it. That would be good.

I am so looking forward to the post-election "he said, she said" of Palin and McCain blaming each other.

Oh, with all that money Obama is going to save you I hope you spring for photo shop and stop using "Springtime for Hogans Heroes"photos. It is just un-American.;-)

Unconventional Conventionist said...

This is the only post I've seen EVAH with a picture of Zero Mostel in it!


Randal Graves said...

BB, he likes the sweet tang of human flesh, but everyone knows that. Why do you think The First Dude wishes Alaska to secede from a nation of cannibal socialists?

BE, it sure is, which is why in the spirit of our beliefs, we're doing absolutely nothing.

If I could kill off the GOP (hell, every Murkan party save for maybe the Greens) merely through my crappy comedy, that's all I'd be doing!

dcap, if there's another randal on facebook, he's an impostor!

LBR, what's this 'news' you speak of? Hell, Mooselini is already doing that thing to McCain which involves tossing.

And really? I don't think I would qualify for a tax cut since I'm not a plumber, but you didn't enjoy my art? That hurts. ;-)

UC, I couldn't believe that IMDB had a shot with him. Of course they wouldn't let you simply right-click and save, the fuckers.

Anonymous said...

Dammit. Now I'm going to be humming Springtime for Hitler all night. And probably part of tomorrow, too.

Oh, and I'm with LBR. I think the hairpulling and screeching in the campaign camp after Nov. 4th will be entertaining.

Utah Savage said...

Facebook Elitist! La di da.... and Germany! Me too Dcup. This bastard has messed with our minds again. At least it isn't a sports post.

susan said...

Well, double damn. I was going to use the line about singing 'Springtime For Hitler' in my dreams tonight but DCup's beaten me to it. Serves me right for attempting to keep up with numb in 'lbp' so I could help with the 2 player tricky bits. I am so not a gamer and now I'm a bad blogger too. sigh..

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Randal: I'm a little overmatched here, but I'm going to fight as hard as ROMIUS T does for the HE HATE ME prize. Using the general boringness approach here to warm up a little for the radio thing tomorrow.

I hate it every time Sarah Palin says the word "Israel". It's like Goebbels telling me not to worry about the National Socialist Party because the REAL anti-semites are Von Papen and Hindenburg. Fun fact about Israel: a majority of Israelis favor a two-state solution. Fun fact about Israel: the anti-Palestinian Kadima government of Sharon, Ohmert and now Livni grants Palestinians in the occupied territories more rights and liberties than the US government even under the Democratic Party platform grants its citizens.

Pay attention to what happens in Israel when Livni calls for snap elections as she has promised. The guy you want for PM if you're sick of Israel being a Republican sword and shield is Amitai Ayalon of Labour. The guy's ex-Shin Bet, now a total peace love dove.

If it's Ehud Barak again for Labour, you want him.

Trust me, with a Labour government every Republican will shut the fuck up about Israel. The Christian Rapturists will shut the fuck up about Israel. And best of all, you could see a huge peace deal with Saudi Arabia, Syria and Lebanon looking for an Egypt-like accord with Israel and each other.

Tensions with Iran will simmer down, too. Labour. Ayalon best. Barak fine.

That was my boring and irrelevant and "who cares?" comment because I'm fresh out of Palin jokes.

My "HE HATE ME" game is strong now, buddy. It wasn't as strong as my taking that old US foreign service tool apart up Sparkle's blog which really was a masterpiece, the HE HATE ME comment equivalent of converting the 7-10 split for a pretty spare!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Randal, but I don't see McCain in a Nazi uniform. Rather, I see him in a canary suit because that's what he sang like as a POW of the Vietcong. I think singing is a great way to win wars, don't you?

Christopher said...

Five Fucking Days to Go!

I have never been so nervous about the outcome of an election before in life.

I wish I liked alcohol but I detest the taste of liquor. I can't smoke pot cuz' I have asthma.

So, I do yoga to calm down and we watch comedies, stupid teenage, and classic sci-fi movies to try and reach that "Zen" state that NASCAR Nation hits after they watch those little cars go round the track for the 500th time.

All I know is this. If Obama doesn't win this thing, there's going to be a global depression alright and I'm not talking about the economy.

Randal Graves said...

dcup, look at it this way: sure, they won't get the context, but the mere mention of 'Hitler' might endear you to your Republican coworkers!

utah, how can I be a Facebook elitist when I'm not even on Facebook? I mess with no one's mind, you're all just projecting!

susan, you're not going to turn into one of those stories we read in the Asian press of 36-hour marathon gaming sessions, are you?

kelso, dammit man, I'm trying to spread bad humor and here you come being all serious, sort of. I mean,

It's like Goebbels telling me not to worry about the National Socialist Party because the REAL anti-semites are Von Papen and Hindenburg

is funny!

When are those elections set for, February? The last polls I checked - yay, polls - had Netanyahu ahead of everyone else. Not that that can't change in the next few months, obviously.

As for Syria, wasn't the Golan Heights put out there in a carrot costume? With an Obama win and if Israel gets some center-left dudes and chicks in there, they maybe the stalling will stop.

Of course, Hagee and his ilk will still be pontificating on the teevee about Armageddon and Meggido and all that. I just love those colorful backdrops of his!

As for HE HATE ME, there has to be a shot of him in one of those goofy pre-game scrambles.

Here's a Mooselini joke: Why did the Palin cross the road? To shoot the chicken that already had.

spartacus, I know how to win wars. That's why we won Vietnam. Ronald Reagan sang on the Great Wall with Roger Waters and Gorbachev gave up. For five and half years I couldn't be a chorus girl!

Randal Graves said...

christopher, I'm trying to contemplate that "Zen" state that NASCAR Nation hits after they watch those little cars go round the track for the 500th time and that's frightening. 'tis the Halloweenie season, though.

If Murka thinks the world hates us now, and McPOW wins, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Dean Wormer said...

Hitler was a marvelous dancer. Not many people know that.

McCain is also known for his mad dancing skillz.

Anonymous said...

I think I heard tell that Barack once stole a carton of milk in kindergarden. That should get some major traction in these last 5 days doncha think? And no doubt a check of his netflix account will show a slew of subversive movies he's watched. That should start a cascade of independents to return to the fold of the crusty old man and his girl child Sarah Long and tall, or short and purple, or just moosy girl will do.

Randal Graves said...

dean, I'm telling Godwin on you!

afeatheradrift, if you steal a carton of milk, will the carton appear on a carton of milk? Now that's Zen.

Betty C. said...

I would like to SEE Alaska secede after this! Many Alaskans wouldn't agree, though, I suppose.

I predict a GOP meltdown after the election, and a possible third party created by Sarah Palin. I mean, can dinosaurs and Republican human beings really coinhabit the GOP any longer?

DivaJood said...

Well, here's some foreign policy for you:

When Bill Clinton introduced Yasser Arafat to Nathan "Bibi" Netenyahu, he said "Yasser, that's my Bibi."

Vote Diva Jood.

Randal Graves said...

betty, a civil war is a-brewin' in the gooper party between the clowns and the radical lunatics, no question.

diva, groan. I mean, hardee har har!