Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A formidable adversary

page 1

Hon. DivaJood, Diva, boss of artistry and future president, prime minister, premier, quarterback, starting pitcher, point guard and philosopher-queen of North America:

Based on detailed field work, accumulation of cursory glances and bits and pieces of anecdotal evidence, I had thought we were making inroads in the battleground state of Ohio. This may indeed still be the case. However, something disturbing, filthy and also dirty has come to my attention.

Merely through the time-tested technique of observation, I observed, observationally, the following count of political signs on my street which, coincidentally I observed, resides in the battleground state of Ohio:

four for Obama/Biden
three for McCain/Palin
zero for Zaius/Gregarious
eight for For/Sale
Frankly, I'm both flummoxed and flabbergasted. What do we know about this For or even this Sale? The fact that they more than double the combined presence of both major parties combined in combination frightens and fraternizes me in a way that I am uncomfortable with.

No doubt capitalizing on the sorry state of the economy, these mother --

[18-page gap]

page 20

-- fuckers. Anyway, you will find a photocopied facsimile xerox of the evidence below.

I will set up a strategic meeting to discuss tactics in dealing with this new campaign, no doubt a duo comprising the telegenic minions of a Manchurian variety conjured up during a grotesquely pornographic three-way between our political enemies, all of whom are well-versed and blindingly aware of how welcome our welcoming message of strawberries, cream, peace, slashing the living hell out of the military budget and a comprehensive program of groovaliciousness is to the American electorate desperate for real solutions to problems that are real but we all wish were figments of some bad C-grade horror movie. I welcome your input.

Watching the skies,

Randal Graves
Campaign Manager, Diva/Nunly '08


Dusty said...

It's too damn early for my input...and I haven't finished my first cuppa yet. ;p

Übermilf said...

How much will you pay me for my input? I don't give it away for free, you know.

Candace said...

"Diva/Nunly '08."


Randal, this is great - thanks for making my day!

Christopher said...

A new group of polls are out that indicate the 2008 Presidential Election is shaping up to be a landslide for Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Including, in the so-called battleground states of North Carolina, Virginia and Ohio.

Obama Expands Lead in North Carolina

A new Public Policy Polling survey in North Carolina finds Sen. Barack Obama now leading Sen. John McCain, 50% to 44%.

Obama Up by Six Points in Ohio

A new Democracy Corps poll in Ohio finds Sen. Barack Obama now leading Sen. John McCain, 49% to 43%.

Obama Crushing McCain in Virginia

A new Suffolk University poll in Virginia shows Sen. Barack Obama leading Sen. John McCain by a stunning 12 points, 51% to 39%.

If Obama and Biden can hold onto their lead in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia and North Carolina, it really doesn't matter what happens in red state shitholes like Texas, Florida and Georgia.

How do you spell P.r.e.s.i.d.e.n.t.-E.l.e.c.t. O.b.a.m.a?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Randal: I don't DO anti-Obama. I'll discuss openly and unsparingly my disagreements with his views and I'll critique what I believe to be his excessively tactical finesses. But I think like the country which welcomed me when the one of my birth didn't. I want Barack Obama to be president.

If McCain is president, it might even be better. Look at the country by country banking exposures. The "cousins" in the UK have problems. The Germans have problems. The French, Italians and Spanish are about to have problems. Even the Russians are having problems.

Panama and MERCOSUR: no problems, Jack! Why? Because the Republicans put us on the drugs/banking/War-On-Terriers blacklist. The total losses on the Mortgage paper don't break $100mm from Chihuahua to Patagonia. Credit crisis? I like to finance with cash myself, but should I need a loan in the major world currencies: 4 1-2% any amount; USD 2 3/4% any amount.

You want to win Ohio for the Democrats? Or for an exotic 3rd Party? Have Bush put Ohio on the drugs/bank/War-On-Terriers blacklist and you're good to go.

La Belette Rouge said...

Um, do you take campaign donations? Is cash okay? Oh, and I do expect that some kind of tax freeze on shoes will be put into place once Diva and Nunly are elected. I expect something in return for my support/money.

pissed off patricia said...

For Sale is beating the hell out of the other candidates in my town too. In Foreclosure is running a close second followed by For Rent.

Maybe Diva might consider changing her name to one of the three I mentioned above. Confusion just might win her a bunch-o-votes.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, it's too damn early for a coherent post, thus, this. ;-)

übermilf, we'll let the market decide. Oh that's right, the market is in the shitter. Twenty-five cents.

candace, see what you've missed while you were away being a famous author?

christopher, i.a.m.a.c.y.n.i.c. I don't trust my dumb state and won't until I'm proven wrong.

kelso, this post is merely part of a series of faux campaigning. We hate all candidates save ourselves equally. ;-)

And that's an excellent idea! We do have our fair share of meth labs, but since that's predominantly a white suburban problem in the eyes of the drug warriors, we might have to come up with something else. If McCain gets in, fucking yikes, there goes any momentum towards legitimate regulation. Let's see what other sectors we can carve up!

LBR, cash is fine, but no dollars. Euros, please. Well, we'll need to pay for this tax freeze. Oh that's right, we're not going to be an interventionist empire anymore, tax freezes for everyone! Except you rich dude, prop open that wallet.

Randal Graves said...

POP, vote for rent? Hmmm. I hope the powers-that-be don't resort to changing McCain's name to Pat Buchanan.

Dean Wormer said...

You know that "For Sale" guy seems to break election laws every cycle by leaving their signs up past the deadline to remove them.

Your post was sheer genius. I laughed heartily.

Liberality said...

you would think that the folks in the "for sale" camp would get with Obama for their own benefit but that just isn't the case most likely.

Utah Savage said...

Diva Rocks! This is a lovely post about how damn invisible we are. I wish we'd just organize and get our ground game together. Randal does the work. Good for you Randal. I'm going to start taking my camera with me everywhere. My neighborhood is full of Obama/Biden signs and Obama signs from the primary. Somebody has game, and at yes, sadly in my little corner of Zion, it's not Diva/Nunly. I broke my foot. Get off my case. Utah is cutting it's budget and most of the cuts are aimed straight at me. Medicaid, social programs for the poor and disabled, the old and infirm. They think we are powerless and too crippled to organize. Fuck them. Sorry, I got carried away.

MRMacrum said...

Before I could make any opinion up, I would first have to know if the new campaign "for sale" signs popped up before or after the recent scrambling efforts by Congress to lend a helping hand to all the unfortunates caught with their hands in the cookie jars. But I guess cashing in is just cashing in no matter when, where, or who does it.

American Hill BIlly said...

LMAO!!! That was FUNNY! All we need to do now is get For, and Sale to back blacklisted drug area; Like Kelso said. We'll be running in the green in no time.

for, and sale '08!!!

Oh Gawd, Fox News was interviewing people in Philadelphia....they were chugging beer in celebration to their new dominatrix....Master Palin....She understand's they're simple beer depositories. Whoo!!

United In Peace And Freedom

Border Explorer said...

For/Sale: our values, our honor, our Constitution, our personal freedoms, our international standing, our IRA's, our humanity--symbolized in our care for the least among us.

For/Sale. Cheap.
Rather than laughing, I'm applauding you on this post, Randal.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Hey look at it this way; BOTH parties are for sale! It's one big for sale party!

susan said...

Speaking of mysterious political campaigns I've seen signs for 'Yard Sale', 'Garage Sale' and who is this 'Everything Must Go Sale'?

I just hope Christopher is right.

Tom Harper said...

Hey, I liked the last paragraph of your post. It's long enough, run-on enough (I can hear my high school English teacher cringing as we speak), meaningless enough -- you're a consummate politician. You can outramble McCain and Obama any day. You've got my vote!

Unfortunately, like some other commenters have said, For Sale seems to be the leading candidate.

Snave said...

I might vote for For, but I am still leaning toward The Jood.

That's based on observationally observed observations, of course! Heh!

In our red-state-atmosphered NE Oregon town, the For Sale signs seem to be winning out, although Obama was mounting a challenge for a while. Then the local Republican party's two factions quit squabbling long enough to get together and organize... so now McCain is running second. I'm relieved to see that Sale is still apparently in the lead, anyway!!

Anonymous said...

Randal...give a day or two. I'll develop some talking points filled with hundreds of hate-filled half truths and outright lies against the For/Sale ticket. We'll bury those bastards in no time.

Randal Graves said...

dean, and the election commission refuses to do a damn thing about it. Thank you, sir!

liberality, one pairing I haven't seen yet is McCain/For Sale, but I'm still on the lookout!

utah, I didn't do any work, I just slapped some crap together. When the hell did you break your foot?

I find it laughable that we have no qualms about spending nearly a trillion with some old-time foreign intervention - and make no mistake, there was your bipartisanship - and another 700-800 billion saving Gordon Gekko, but forget giving aid to anyone not rolling in greenbacks.

mrmacrum, oh, the plethora of For Sale signs in my town have been up for awhile. Almost as if the people knew before the talking hairpieces on the teevee.

AHB, that really is an excellent idea, isn't it? Sounds like you're getting to see the Palin barmaid footage for the first time. Comedy gold!

BE, dammit, you're supposed to laugh, stop speaking the truth on things, people might get uncomfortable! ;-)

UC, and we don't have enough to buy either of them. Well played, Murkan system of gubmint!

susan, no 'estate sale?' I've even seen that around these parts. "Are you having a garage sale?" "Ahem, no, you young rascal, an E-State sale."

The haughty Brit accent is lost on the tubes.

tom, my friend, the comma is your best friend for you can ramble on, never answering the question, dodging while telling a story about Joe Sixpack and how about those Rays once I knew a minor league coach who taught Wade Boggs how to hit the chicken man they called him back in '42 I was on a Navy destroyer fightin' Charlie....

snave, Oregon actually had red-hued towns? I thought you guys were one big state of Bill Walton potheads? Damn you, incorrect stereotypes!

One thing I haven't seen is a lot of McCain bumper stickers. Even in 2004 there was still a sizable amount of automotive Chimpy support.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, my friends, I knew we could count on our friends from New York.

Dr. Zaius said...

Soupy Sales? I didn't know that he was running!

DivaJood said...

Randal, I think we need to offer Snave a job, and a raise. I'm all for purchasing votes. And Candace, OURS IS A SERIOUS campaign, unlike Dr. Zaius. I'm simply saying.

Um, Randal, what was the question? I forgot.

Anonymous said...

I'd keep a shotgun by the door and keep a good lookout if I were you. I hear the MP crowd is not much taken with the FS crowd and wants to "turn the page." They'll be tearin' up those signs if you don't look out. Oh where is a new war, any new war, and MP can win this one slick!

Randal Graves said...

dr. zaius, oh shit, there's a blast from the past. Anyone for Sha Na Na?

diva, I defy anyone to seriously deny our seriousness. I don't remember what my question was. Something about sports, probably.

afeatheradrift, they can have my For Sale sign when they pry it from my cold, dead lawn.

DivaJood said...

Sports. How about this? Okay, sports, elect Diva/Nunly and we can have plenty of beer, cheese and strawberries for free and lots of hockey games. Forget Baseball, my heart is broken.

Randal Graves said...

Remember, your Bears are in first place.