Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl

Sexist? I don't care. Why? Because I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl!

"Tell us why already, you sexist jerk."

Because The Fucking Yankees aren't in the playoffs!

Ah. I can almost taste the joy of the springtime blooming from a lifetime ago as I swooned after that first shared glance with the girl with the long brown hair. Or when I found that twenty and used it to buy adult beverages.

Tampa Bay vs. *grumble* Minnesota Chicago White Sox: if you scanned the brains of every baseball fan in America back in April, I'd wager less than two picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. The latter was a mild stretch, and the former? As some guy on teevee said, and is therefore true, the Rays are the first team in the history of baseball to have ten straight losing seasons and then win 96+ games the following year. With all that young talent, they've got staying power. And don't buy the whole 'first time in the playoffs' garbage. Didn't prevent the 2003 Marlins from winning the whole thing, now did it. Who did they beat? Oh, that's right, The Fucking Yankees. Such conventional stupidity won't prevent a more well-rounded -- though admittedly banged up -- Tampa Bay team from winning at least one series. Rays in 5.

Los Angeles Anaheims of Walt Disney's Anti-Semitic Corpse vs. Bah-ston: a shame the two best teams in the American League are meeting in the ALDS, right? Well, hold on a sec there, partner. Their staffs are evenly matched -- don't let Frankie's 60+ saves fool you, though; Dennis Eckersley circa 1990 he ain't -- but Boston has the better top-to-bottom lineup. Where else but here can you get such in-depth, cutting edge analysis? Wait, here's something that's actually statistically useful: going strictly Pythagorean for a moment, the Angels won eleven games more than they should have. Hell, the Blue Jays were a better team according to the math. You simply do not see that large of a number all that often. Yes, I know Jack White-lookalike Josh Beckett is ailing. Won't matter. Boston in 5.

Chicago Cubs vs. L.A. Dodgers: Pick against Chicago and get fired? Are you nuts? (Actually, I was going to pick them anyway as they're unquestionably the best team in the National League, Manny-just-being-Manny notwithstanding). Though since they are the Cubs, I'm expecting Carlos Zambrano's arm to mysteriously fall off any day now. Cubs in 4.

Philadelphia vs. Milwaukee: You can ride the arms of two manly pitchers of manliness and a bunch of nothing else -- okay, I slightly exaggerate -- to a world championship. Have we forgotten about the 2001 Diamondbacks already? The Brewers only have one manly pitcher -- who could have ever predicted that Ben Sheets would get hurt for the 17th straight season! -- and their offense isn't as potent as that of Philadelphia, nor even in the same ballpark as that of Harvey's Wallbangers. And 72-year old Jamie Moyer keeps on throwin'. Phillies in 4.

Holy shit, an entire post with nary a mention of politics or Chimpy or Care Bear or McPOW or Unka Dick or Mooselini or Hair Plugs for Men.


Well, off to make sure Ohio doesn't vote stupid. This might take a few decades. If we go GOP in November, I'm personally getting the blame. With friends like you, who needs Republicans.

I'm just kidding. Please don't make me do math.


pissed off patricia said...

When I read the title of your post I thought it was going to be about Miss Moose Guttin'. I thought maybe she had come up with something she had read or a Supreme Court case other than Roe v Wade. Bummer!

Candace said...

Me too, PoP! I just knew it was gonna be about the Palinator.

Just for grins, I asked my hubster last night how many SP cases he could name besides Roe v. Wade. He came up with four. (I could name two, btw.) Anyone else doing an informal poll among family and friends? I bet they could name at LEAST one. But the woman who could be one heartbeat away from POTUS drew a blank. Scary shit. And we should hold you-know-who responsible! Oh, sorry Randal - you were saying something about baseball? [eyes glazing over]

Übermilf said...

I'm afraid it's going to be the Cubs vs. White Sox, as the world is clearly careening toward its end.

Border Explorer said...

Oh, Ubermilf, that'd be the Mother of All World Series!!
I better go read about that in the newspaper. I read 'em all. Yep, ALL of 'em. Whatever I can get my lil' hands on. Every single paper....

Anonymous said...

And the Indians are where? heh heh... I know. I know. Beat up on the Mets all you want. That only makes us peas in a pod..

Dean Wormer said...

I'm glad you recognize that we will hold you personally responsible if POW-man wins Ohio.

Randal Graves said...

POP, my favorite Supreme Court case is Clark W. Griswold vs. Connecticut.

candace, I don't think any of us existentially expect her to be an exemplary expert, but ex-lax.

übermilf, why do you hate me?

Well, could be worse. Could be The Fucking Yankees vs. the Nymets.

BE, I get my news from Guns and Ammo and Soldier of Fortune. They print what the lie-brul media won't.

spartacus, how many potshots against the Mets are in this post? Zip. Why? Because I'm hoping you'll be nice after the Giants win by about three touchdowns next Monday. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

dean, that's fine, just don't be surprised if McPOW wins that I explode from the pressure. At least I won't have to scramble for posts anymore thanks to sweet death.

Mary Ellen said...

Geez, Randal...I have no idea why you're in such a panic. There is no way that the GOP will take the White House. No way. I don't like Obama, but I'm also realistic, this will go to the Dems,count on it.

As far as the White Sox...I won't even let your sour predictions ruin my happiness for my team today. I'm surprised that they made it this far and think they deserve a round of applause for clawing their way back to the top after their five game losing streak at the end. I like those who don't give up, it's a good quality.

So....pfffffffttttttt to you!


spyderkl said...

Oh, is it still baseball season? :P I'm too busy with football and pre-season hockey to notice.

Honestly, just like watching paint dry. Kind of like Gov. Moose's interviews for the past two days.

La Belette Rouge said...

I was so hoping that school girl reference was some kind of reference to you schooling Moosalini. Come on Randal, take her down the way that Biden won't.

Randal Graves said...

ME, I'm not in panic mode, I'm just naturally cynical. Never misunderestimate the stupidity of the Murkan people.

Go Rays. ;-)

spyderkl, I should be getting excited for hockey, but I bet the NHL network shows one game a week still. If that. At least I've got the Blue Jackets!

"I read 'em all."

LBR, man, you people are hungry for blood. "Why didn't you crush Mooselini?" I will say this, she would destroy me in a debate. It's like arguing with wingnut relatives. You're so flabbergasted at their incurious, authoritarian ridiculousness, you cannot help but get incensed and toss vulgarities all over the place.

Mauigirl said...

Personally I'm rooting for Joe Torre's Dodgers. I'm glad the Yanks didn't make the playoffs this year; it vindicates Joe, who was insulted into leaving last year. Nothing against Joe Girardi, but he'll get another chance next year. I'm also glad the Mets blew it once again - it shows it wasn't Willie Randolph's fault they did it last year!

So much for my New York-centered view on things. As for the World Series, I will be rooting for Boston if they make it that far. I do have a soft spot for the Phillies though - a friend at work roots for them.

Betty C. said...

I'm kind of sad for you that it took this to get hockey into the national consciousness...

And I will be holding all swing-state friends personally responsible for any losses! So be warned...

Utah Savage said...

Oh christ on a crutch. Randal. You are such a manly man. It makes me weep a little sometimes. Do you smoke cigars too? Where's the beefcake? What's in it for me?

Randal Graves said...

mauigirl, it's funny how much less I'm annoyed by Joe Torre now that he's not employed by The Fucking Yankees.

I forget who it was - Buster Olney, maybe? - who reported that someone in their front office was complaining about missing out on the playoffs when they had a better record than the Dodgers. Didn't mind in 2000 when they had 87 wins and Cleveland with 90 missed out. I loathe the Steinbrenners.

betty, I'm sad for me, too! And man, you guys are cruel with a Dante-esque verve.

utah, cigars? Ugh. The only smoke permitted in our house is from a candle or if something is burning on the stove. You got beefcake! There's a picture of not one, not two, but five Yankees, all sad. And what is more manly than being okay with expressing emotion? Look at those sad mugs. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Beach Bum said...

Well, off to make sure Ohio doesn't vote stupid.

At least its a contest up there. Down here in South Carolina Palin is still the hottest thing since sliced bread. I'll be drink heavily until election night.

Tom Harper said...

Admit it Randal, if McPalin wins they'll be appointing you to a cabinet position.

Christopher said...

You Yankees-hating, liberal, sexist pig!

What I can't believe is the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Tampa Bay? WTF? How is this even possible?

Don't get me wrong, I still love the Yankees even more than I love my own nekkid reflection in the morning but, they need pitching and they need it sumpin' awful.

$225 million didn't get it done this season, so let's see how much the Old Man throws at talent next year? But I'm telling you, it all comes down to pitching.

S.W. Anderson said...

"Well, off to make sure Ohio doesn't vote stupid."

First things first, RG. Better to start by seeing to it Ohio doesn't vote crooked. Or, more accurately, that certain elements (rhymes with, ahem, elephants) don't steal the damned election and/or shut out a significant portion of the electorate.

susan said...

Bill White once noted an abbreviation on Phil Rizzuto's scorecard of "WW." The puzzled White asked the Scooter what "WW" denoted. Rizzuto answered, "Wasn't watching."

That's been me for a while and the same with McCranky and Co.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

You ARE as giddy as a schoolgirl.

okjimm said...

At least the Yankees are not in the play-offs. Gees, leave it to you to find a silver lining somewhere. ;)

Randal Graves said...

BB, I'm lucky in that I live in the bluest county in the state, so I don't know how you keep your sanity.

tom, shhh! If you don't keep quiet, then I won't be able to funnel taxpayer dollars to your War Profiteering® company!

christopher, the Rays have been drafting well, but I think they simply came together a year or so early. And the Yankees certainly need pitching. Mussina is, what, 38?

SWA, oh come on, like that would ever happen here.

susan, heh heh.

UC, why wouldn't one be giddy these days? Life is veritable cornucopia of happy fun candy!

okjimm, that lining ain't silver nor gold but platinum!

DivaJood said...

Are school girls giddy? Who says so? And what Ubermilf sez.

Except the Cubs stunk up the place last night.

Christopher said...

Mike is 39.

I don't think he's coming back next year either. If he does, it will have to be a year-only contract and not a 4 season lock-in.

He has a great arm. Not bad on the eyes either.