Sexist? I don't care. Why? Because I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl!
"Tell us why already, you sexist jerk."
Because The Fucking Yankees aren't in the playoffs!
Ah. I can almost taste the joy of the springtime blooming from a lifetime ago as I swooned after that first shared glance with the girl with the long brown hair. Or when I found that twenty and used it to buy adult beverages.
Tampa Bay vs. *grumble*
Minnesota Chicago White Sox: if you scanned the brains of every baseball fan in America back in April, I'd wager less than two picked both of these teams to make the playoffs. The latter was a mild stretch, and the former? As some guy on teevee said, and is therefore true, the Rays are the first team in the history of baseball to have ten straight losing seasons and then win 96+ games the following year. With all that young talent, they've got staying power. And don't buy the whole 'first time in the playoffs' garbage. Didn't prevent the 2003 Marlins from winning the whole thing, now did it. Who did they beat? Oh, that's right, The Fucking Yankees. Such conventional stupidity won't prevent a more well-rounded -- though admittedly banged up -- Tampa Bay team from winning at least one series. Rays in 5.
Los Angeles Anaheims of Walt Disney's Anti-Semitic Corpse vs. Bah-ston: a shame the two best teams in the American League are meeting in the ALDS, right? Well, hold on a sec there, partner. Their staffs are evenly matched -- don't let Frankie's 60+ saves fool you, though; Dennis Eckersley circa 1990 he ain't -- but Boston has the better top-to-bottom lineup. Where else but here can you get such in-depth, cutting edge analysis? Wait, here's something that's actually statistically useful: going strictly Pythagorean for a moment, the Angels won eleven games more than they should have. Hell, the Blue Jays were a better team according to the math. You simply do not see that large of a number all that often. Yes, I know Jack White-lookalike Josh Beckett is ailing. Won't matter. Boston in 5.
Chicago Cubs vs. L.A. Dodgers: Pick against Chicago and get fired? Are you nuts? (Actually, I was going to pick them anyway as they're unquestionably the best team in the National League, Manny-just-being-Manny notwithstanding). Though since they are the Cubs, I'm expecting Carlos Zambrano's arm to mysteriously fall off any day now. Cubs in 4.
Philadelphia vs. Milwaukee: You can ride the arms of two manly pitchers of manliness and a bunch of nothing else -- okay, I slightly exaggerate -- to a world championship. Have we forgotten about the 2001 Diamondbacks already? The Brewers only have one manly pitcher -- who could have ever predicted that Ben Sheets would get hurt for the 17th straight season! -- and their offense isn't as potent as that of Philadelphia, nor even in the same ballpark as that of Harvey's Wallbangers. And 72-year old Jamie Moyer keeps on throwin'. Phillies in 4.
Holy shit, an entire post with nary a mention of politics or Chimpy or Care Bear or McPOW or Unka Dick or Mooselini or Hair Plugs for Men.
Well, off to make sure Ohio doesn't vote stupid. This might take a few decades. If we go GOP in November, I'm personally getting the blame. With friends like you, who needs Republicans.
I'm just kidding. Please don't make me do math.