Friday, October 3, 2008

Yeah, Ohio isn't a huge, energy-producing state. What's it to you?

That may be true, but we did get a cool graph that shows whether Ohio's uncommitted voters are on life support or not. Do you have one, you moosehunting bastards? Didn't think so.

Go, Buckeye State, Go! You can make it! I believe in you!

After much careful and considerate consideration, I decided to do a shot each time that Palin said "maverick," "reform," "experience" or "Alaska." I also decided to do a shot each time that Biden angrily pointed. Why? 'cause I'm fucking bipartisan you assholes.

Since I didn't have any whiskey in the house, shots were out of the question and so I had to switch to swigs of wine. Sure, one would obviously rather savor the rich, fruity yet earthy tang instead of chugging it like someone who just found out their 401k is empty because of Congressional and Wall Street fuckery and is scanning the neighborhood for the swankiest cardboard box they can afford, but desperate times call for desperate measures; it's a hard life and that demands hard drinking.

Needless to say, I had a pretty good buzz going on after the first 147 seconds -- Sarah, I might have been wrong about you, after all. You can drive me to drink nearly as fast as any other name Republican out there, and bonus points for all the "gosh darnits" -- so any recollections of what was actually said, well, I'm trying to say that my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I believe that this is what occurred.

I apologize in advance for any factual errors, but rest assured that I carry with me, if not the facts themselves, the spirit of the facts, kind of like an apparition or a ghost. Or maybe a poltergeist since I think I knocked a bunch of books onto the floor on the way to the bedroom.

Oooooh, spooky! Hey, it's Halloween season and what's more frightening than an American presidential campaign?

"Gwen, what happened?"
"Oh, I promised a bunch of large, white men that I'd say I tripped and fell."

"Thanks for not checking out my ass."
"Governor, I've been in the Senate for over 30 years and I've learned a few tricks of the trade. Who says I haven't?"

"So, Gwen, any chance for a rape kit question?"
"No, but I might mention the Bankruptcy Bill."

"Yes, the Bankruptcy Bill, um, hum, yes, er, well, you see, hey! did you know that John McCain is not a maverick? Whew, that was close."

"John McCain is a huge, energy-producing reformer and I'm proud to maverick Main Street because Alaska is the central front in the war on the terrible heartland of which I am familiar because Iraq is where bin Laden lives, we will win! Was that ninety seconds? See, told you suckers I can debate."

"You say I keep on with the backwards finger pointing? Fine, how's this, governor? I'll poke your goddamn eyes out."

"Go ahead and try, I've got my list of talking points right, oh shit! Where did it go?"

"Gwen, as one woman to another, I'd like to thank you first, for not getting too upset when I decided to not answer any of your questions, which is a God-given freedom in this great land and, secondly, for not asking me about my views about anything too controversial. Wink, nudge."

"Governor, you're just lucky the American people are stupid and would rather hear faux folksy charm instead of icky things."
"Takes one to know one."
"I know you are. But what am I?"


Übermilf said...

True, Americans "would rather hear faux folksy charm instead of icky things," but I chalk that up to laziness and immaturity rather than stupidity.

I think people can understand things; they just don't want to.

The republicans are going to win again, aren't they?

Jess Wundrun said...

my head is a little punky this morning too. I have to stop watching debates with alcohol in hand. Productivity is dropping.

Dusty said...

I love your take on it far better than any pundit Randal. :)

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, you may be right, but I stand by my choice of words. Though I also support more field research. Maybe I can get a federal grant.

I think they will, but I'm a cynical bastard. And polls can go to hell.

jess, it really isn't a smart thing to do, is it? It makes the entire circus extra funny during, but you pay for it after.

dusty, thanks, plus I don't have to be on teevee which helps because I hate wearing suits. ;-)

okjimm said...

I think exposure to SPalin can only be tolerated by inducing a alcohol haze. I think she missed her major audience, though, as a poll in my office indicates that every fucking Joe&Jill Six Pack here were watching Brewers or Cubs or both.

Joe Six Pack? is that, like, ya know, eh, a Native American name? Like Tom Two Bears or Susan Singing Swan? Wanna know if Sarah is in touch with heritage or what?

Bubs said...

Holy shit, this was like watching the debate all over again, but with the ability to see inside their heads! Nice job.

By the way, you have given me my quote of the day:

"...but desperate times call for desperate measures; it's a hard life and that demands hard drinking."

Suzi Riot said...

Randal, your reenactment was so great that I had to link it. Nice work for being stinkin' drunk!

Spartacus said...

I'm trying to think of why I really liked this post. I'm not sure if it's my beer induced hangover or your witty and incisive debate quotes. You see, I too played a drinking game, matching sips to Sarah Palin utterances. I ran out of beer and had to switch to whiskey. I wish I'd know ahead of time you were planning the same activity. I had some whiskey to spare. If we're lucky Sarah will be selected as the VP nominee in 4 years, that is unless the stupid vote kicks in and we have her for 4 years. Perish the thought....

Great post!

Angie said...

That is exactly the way the debate played out! Of course, I was drinking wine too, but then ran out and had to switch to Guinness and then ran out and had to switch to Baileys in my coffee. Whew! I'm going to have to really stock up on liquor before the debate next week.

The liquor store owners have to be making a killing this year with each week's news being more uplifting than the week's before. Everyone in my neighborhood couldn't afford to go on vacation this summer so we all just sat in our backyards and drank while we poured bags of sand over some of the grass and told all the kiddos to pretend they were at the beach.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Well, watching the thing, I was certainly jealous of Track Palin last night, because you can't buy, beg, borrow or steal Oxy down here. Everything under the sun in size, but not that. It's purely an American experience made ever more plentiful by the Bush Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit.

So, as I don't like alcohol that much, I faced it bravely armed only with benzodiazipines and strawberry milkshakes.

But living down here where so many versions and dialects of Spanish are spoken has been good practice for me. Argentinos are basically speaking Italian. Chilenos are basically speaking French. Israeli Spanish and Arabic Spanish are just crazy hard to understand. But after a few years, I've gotten good at it. I've put in the time as a good "secular-humanist, insider, multi-cultural elitist" always does and I'm pretty proficient at all of it.

Palin-English is beyond my ability to understand, however. What you've written doesn't seem to me like satire or parody at all. It seems like you've done your best to translate Palinese into common English. After having read this, I have a much better understanding of her worldview and forensic skills. I'd say now that I take her meaning from your worthy translation, I really have to put her in the class of maybe the #3 or #4 debater on the Oxford or Cambridge Debate Club. She's just finding her feet, so it would be silly for me to rate her a #1 or #2.

I have lived in exactly three places in the US: Manhattan, West Los Angeles and Southern New England. I really had trouble making out some of the language. I'm not kidding. Everytime she said "doggone it," I had to wrack my brain trying to remember what I had understood that to mean.

And until I read this post, I wasn't quite sure what the word "mivirik" meant. Now, I get it. It's "maverick," like the horse. Cool.

Excellent work.

Tom Harper said...

Sarah did very well last night, much to the chagrin of all you commie liberals who hate her and wanted her to come unraveled in front of 40 million TV viewers.

Her answers were very clear and concise, especially the one about the importance of lower taxes for repairing the infrastructure so we can promote freedom in the world and create jobs and produce energy and valuing our families to protect values and the heartland from class warfare and redistributing wealth and terrorism because Songbird the Maverick said so.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, good thing she didn't talk about the Cubs or Brewers, or McPOW would have this sewn up!

Think she'll name her next kid Six Pack?

bubs, great, now I'm going to imagine what it would be like to be inside their heads.

Drink up! Unless it's an elitist drink like green tea.

suzi, merci! I was thinking about liveblogging but decided against it as I think I have OCD when it comes to correcting typos. I'd still be fixing crap.

spartacus, I always suggest people read my stuff while hungover. I seem more witty that way!

"Holy fuck, this sucks!"
"Jerry must've sobered up."

The thought of Mooselini as pretzeldent, especially after last evening, is frightening AND uniquely American.

angie, don't forget that there are TWO more. I'm wondering if I should open a liquor store.

Ha! Excellent idea about the makeshift beach.

kelso, thanks. With the Oxy, it helps if you're pals with Rushbo, as well.

Given my problems trying to learn Official French® in a classroom setting, I'm jealous of someone such as yourself who is surrounded by so many dialects. You'll pick up stuff simply through osmosis, and if you're actually interacting with the people, bonus.

I recall reading an article about an independent candidate from Alaska who went up against her and it was the same impression that I got: she CAN debate in a superficial sense, but there's simply no substance there, it was nothing but talking points and hackneyed bullshit catch phrases.

Last night was the first time I had heard 'doggone it' in years.

And I can understand saying "nukyular" if you're Bush because, well, he's Bush, but is that how it's pronounced up in Alaska as well? I wonder if she says "libary."

Randal Graves said...

tom, hey, I just watched 'cause she's MILFy. And the tax cut thing, of course. Barack Hussein X wants to raise EVERYONE'S taxes. Did you know that the office of VP is flexible?

Dean Wormer said...

I recognize the subject of your post but if I learned anything last night it's that we have the God given right to ignore each other and talk about whatever the hell we want.

In that case - I'm worried about my Ducks vs. USC. It could be an ugly one.

Also- Alaska has a lot of energy.

thank you.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Ranald, you're killing me here.

dguzman said...

Brilliant brilliance from a brilliantly brilliant drunk. I bow to your drunkenness.

DCup said...

Spoke to my mom this afternoon. She wants to know what Palin's church thinks of her being a beer drinker.Usually those evangelical churches don't take too kindly to the devil's brew.

DivaJood said...

So, at the hospital, I'm going to the lab to have my arm stuck. Two women walk past me - one is saying "The idiot didn't answer anything. And it was up to the moderator to get her on track - all she had to do was say 'Governor, you didn't answer the question' a few times."

Then later, at the post office, the person helping me said she wasn't happy with the way the debate turned out. I said neither was I. She said, "Yeah, Biden should have really attacked her more. He was too nice."

So maybe she doesn't completely appeal to Joe Sixpack, whoever he is.

Übermilf said...

She is NOT MILF-Y!!! You take that back!

Frogette said...

swigs of wine
What are you some sort of liberal pansy ass? Go buy some whiskey dude!

Distributorcap said...


do you mean this is some kind of "sporting" event

you sir, are brilliant.
my hat tips to you

Border Explorer said...

This recap was sooo much better than the real thing. Think I'll skip the next debate and catch the replay here (with Dean Wormer's commentary, you can't beat that.)

Utah Savage said...

What almost everyone else said. Man, you da man. But I'm woried about your gender's taste--the only poll that rose today was the white male voter for the MILF. Sorry UberMILF. You've been out UBERED.

Tengrain said...

I think you summed up the essence of the debate.

3-alarm hangover, meself.



Liberality said...

well I thought she was gonna tip over to one side you know because that flag pin she was wearing was just so big. she kept squinting like she couldn't see too so maybe that's why her flag pin was so big. she's half blind but in a real cute girlie kind of way I suppose.

La Belette Rouge said...

Your funniest post ever. LOL! ROFL! The Daily Show will be calling.

Oh, and I did shots of port.

American Hill BIlly said...

Randal, I think that was the funniest thing I've read in a while. I tried watching the debate, but didn't have any wine to celebrate the madness. I couldn't figure out which one was the greater friend to Israel. For a short time I thought they might be running for an office there. Yep, I had to change the 2nd grade face off; couldn't handle it for more than 15minutes...Oh well. I guess I am missing out on changing the USA!

United In Peace And Freedom

Betty C. said...

Brilliant job, as per usual. I'm not sure if I can follow up with my own post, although I'm tempted.

Actually, I don't know if it's worth it, because I'm feeling the Rapture today knowing that my rewards will be in heaven...

Randal Graves said...

dean, duck. Isn't that what our Chinese overlords eat?

Alaska has a lot of energy? Where did you hear that tripe?

SWB, I'm sorry. I have gauze and scotch tape.

dguzman, just be glad I was sober when I wrote it otherwise it would've looked like Sanskrit!

dcup, but what if the brew is brewed by a fundie? At least they don't partake of that frog drink!

diva, you don't know who Joe Sixpack is? Typical, insulated coastal elitist with your arugula and your doctor visits.

übermilf, and now, our commander-in-chief of our MILF-itary, Sarah Palin! Muahahahaha!

frogette, I would've but Joe Sixpack beat me to it! They were sold out!

dcap, bah, if anyone around these parts carries the baton of brilliance, it is you sir. And in your honor, a sports post today!

BE, oh shit, that means I have to watch another one? I'm going to kill my liver.

utah, far be it from me to try and explain the tastes of my fellow cracker dudes. I don't think übermilf has to worry as she's more milf-y than Mooselini 'cause she's, you know, not an acolyte of Cheney.

tengrain, I think this is all part of some wingnut plan. They know we enjoy the political drinking games and they hope to knock off enough non-fundies before election day.

liberality, that was indeed a hefty flag pin. I didn't realize there was a patriotic scale. All the other ones - when a Republican actually decides to wear one - were much smaller.

LBR, a good choice. Now we have to think of a nice set of keywords for Care Bear and McAngry.

AHB, I loved the shoutout to the third grade class. And I know it's some requisite to kiss Israel's ass, but yikes. I love them more than you do! Well, I hate Iran more than you! Nyah nyah nyah!

betty, wait, you're getting raptured? Dammit, tell us your secret so the rest of us don't eternally burn!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Tom, since I can't be there in person, just imagine me pointing at you and laughing.

Betty C. said...

Yes, Randal, I sure am and I'm proud of it. That's what I get for being a teacher! And I just want to say hi to all of my business school classes out there, I'll give you extra credit if you read L'ennui mélodieux!

Randal Graves said...

karen, why do you hate America?

betty, but I don't know anything about business! If your students fail, won't that prevent your rapturousness?

Betty C. said...

Hmmmm...I'll think about an answer to that one and I'll bring it to you.

afeatheradrift said...

Well ol Sarah did just fine, doncha know. She was talkin' bout all them nucular devices, and terrist killers who want to take away our freedoms. Regalar folks unnerstand her jes fine. She ain't got nothin' to be shamed about. She's one of them Mavericks and they git the job done!

Candace said...

We played Palin Bingo! My hubster won twice. I would have won if she'd only said "gosh" or "bad guys." It's not fair.

Freida Bee said...

I'm pretty and you're sticky. Whatever you say bounces off this little girl and doesn't get back past you.

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