Yeah, Ohio isn't a huge, energy-producing state. What's it to you?

That may be true, but we did get a cool graph that shows whether Ohio's uncommitted voters are on life support or not. Do you have one, you moosehunting bastards? Didn't think so.














Go, Buckeye State, Go! You can make it! I believe in you!

After much careful and considerate consideration, I decided to do a shot each time that Palin said "maverick," "reform," "experience" or "Alaska." I also decided to do a shot each time that Biden angrily pointed. Why? 'cause I'm fucking bipartisan you assholes.

Since I didn't have any whiskey in the house, shots were out of the question and so I had to switch to swigs of wine. Sure, one would obviously rather savor the rich, fruity yet earthy tang instead of chugging it like someone who just found out their 401k is empty because of Congressional and Wall Street fuckery and is scanning the neighborhood for the swankiest cardboard box they can afford, but desperate times call for desperate measures; it's a hard life and that demands hard drinking.

Needless to say, I had a pretty good buzz going on after the first 147 seconds -- Sarah, I might have been wrong about you, after all. You can drive me to drink nearly as fast as any other name Republican out there, and bonus points for all the "gosh darnits" -- so any recollections of what was actually said, well, I'm trying to say that my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I believe that this is what occurred.

I apologize in advance for any factual errors, but rest assured that I carry with me, if not the facts themselves, the spirit of the facts, kind of like an apparition or a ghost. Or maybe a poltergeist since I think I knocked a bunch of books onto the floor on the way to the bedroom.

Oooooh, spooky! Hey, it's Halloween season and what's more frightening than an American presidential campaign?


















"Gwen, what happened?"
"Oh, I promised a bunch of large, white men that I'd say I tripped and fell."














"Thanks for not checking out my ass."
"Governor, I've been in the Senate for over 30 years and I've learned a few tricks of the trade. Who says I haven't?"



















"So, Gwen, any chance for a rape kit question?"
"No, but I might mention the Bankruptcy Bill."














"Yes, the Bankruptcy Bill, um, hum, yes, er, well, you see, hey! did you know that John McCain is not a maverick? Whew, that was close."


















"John McCain is a huge, energy-producing reformer and I'm proud to maverick Main Street because Alaska is the central front in the war on the terrible heartland of which I am familiar because Iraq is where bin Laden lives, we will win! Was that ninety seconds? See, told you suckers I can debate."


















"You say I keep on with the backwards finger pointing? Fine, how's this, governor? I'll poke your goddamn eyes out."


















"Go ahead and try, I've got my list of talking points right, oh shit! Where did it go?"













"Gwen, as one woman to another, I'd like to thank you first, for not getting too upset when I decided to not answer any of your questions, which is a God-given freedom in this great land and, secondly, for not asking me about my views about anything too controversial. Wink, nudge."


















"Governor, you're just lucky the American people are stupid and would rather hear faux folksy charm instead of icky things."
"Takes one to know one."
"I know you are. But what am I?"