Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ye Olde Basketballe Preevywe

"Verily, who shalt be this Kobe?"

Exactly. He finally gets a team around him post-Shaq, then he's the MVP? You see who the dude above had to ball with? Fucking hell, man. No one loves playing with 20/20 hindsight more than sports fans -- I guess 30, 7 and 7 doesn't go as far as it used to. Okay, maybe Republicans if the Democratic clowns do indeed take the White House and veto-proof majorities in both chambers. Slash the military budget! Universal health care! No more police state! We've got a spine! Sorry, daydreaming again. But about politics? Come back naked ladies, come back!

And before anyone asks, no, I don't give a fuck that Ted Stevens got convicted. Let me know if Alaska reelects a felon. That would be comical. And about those would-be cracker assassins, I see a song in the future.

Everyone considered him the Cowart of the county.
He'd never stood one single time to prove the skinheads wrong.
His mama named him Danny, the folks just called him Nazi,
But something always told me crackers were reading Danny wrong.

Laugh, damn you, laugh.

Atlantic: The question for Boston is, can the defending champs match last year's intensity? Pay no attention to the loss of James Posey, they'll manage that just fine, but 66-16 won't happen again. The question for Toronto is can Jermaine O'Neal play enough meaningful minutes or is he destined to be a walking injury forevermore? If it's the former, they'll push the Celtics. The question for Philadelphia picked up this year's version of Carlos Boozer and that'll have them fighting for a top-four seed. The Knicks finally did something right. I know that former superstars don't always make the best coaches or front office guys, but Isaiah Thomas was in a vomit-inducing class all his own. You do realize they're still paying Jerome James, right? Don't expect more than 30 wins this season, but at least they won't be a complete laughingstock. The Nets cleared a shitload of cap room to make a run at the monstrous 2010 free agent class. Good luck!

Central: Detroit has the most depth in the division and arguably in the league and will therefore finish on top again. Big fucking deal, you can keep your regular season titles. We've got the best player on planet earth and finally -- finally! -- someone other than LeBron or Z that can score. Praise be unto thee Mo Williams, for thy shalt score many balles in thy basket, ah-men. Boy, the Bulls sure did underachieve a wee bit, huh. The various laws of averages and affiliated corollaries indicate that they likely won't suck as much ass this time around; too much talent. Speaking of talent, the Pacers might have more than you think. If there's a sleeper playoff team in the east, it's these dudes. What about the Bucks? Between Michael Redd and Richard Jefferson and if the rest buy into Scott Skiles' defense first, second and third mentality, perhaps these guys are the sleeper playoff team.

Southeast: Dwight Howard is ridiculous, though I'd still love to see him snag an Olajuwon-esque assassin mentality. Remember when Hakeem destroyed MVP David Robinson in the Western finals? Hedo Turkoglu (can he duplicate last season?) and Rashard Lewis are definitely above average, but this is a one-and-done playoff team. Did the Heat really win the title only a couple of seasons ago? A healthy Dwayne Wade and Shawn Marion, despite having zero on the bench, should be enough to sneak into the playoffs, maybe -- assuming Wade doesn't get hurt and they're out of it so early they trade Shawn to the Lakers for a six-pack, a sandwich and a second round pick in 2012 -- even if Michael Beasley is indeed turning out to be a head case. Sorry Agent Zero, no chance to beat the Cavs yet again, but at least you'll have more time for your blog! Oh, D.J. Augustin, I feel bad for you. Hopefully for your sake, poor Raymond Felton will take all the Larry Brown brunt. Hope you enjoyed that little taste of the postseason, Atlanta. You'll miss Grecian Formula more than you think.

Southwest: Following in the footsteps of the 2006 Saints, the Hornets became America's team, and America found out that these guys are pretty good and that Chris Paul is fucking brilliant. Frontcourt depth is still thin, but they've got enough to hold off poor Houston, forever doomed to succumb to injury despite talent and guts all over the roster. Good luck with Artest, though. Oh, the Spurs, age is cruel, unavoidable. I still maintain that with a healthy Manu, they would have knocked off the Lakers, but not having done much to add depth, the title days may be done, although would it really surprise anyone that with a healthy Ginobili in May and June, they win the whole thing without having home court even once? Can't be done? Right. Speaking of done, the Mavericks window certainly is, but they'll be springtime fodder for someone. Young Memphis will have a horrid record, but O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley, Marc Gasol and Rudy Gay sure will be fun to watch.

Northwest: Hey Jazz, I think Kobe just made another free throw. Outside of Houston, the toughest team in the league, but I wonder if they're as tough in the noggin to get past the hype machine surrounding that team from Southern California. Yes, Oregon, your long Jail Blazer nightmare is over. 75-year old Greg Oden appears healthy, there's Roy and Aldridge and Outlaw and Fernandez. Good times. Not good times in Mile High. Now that Camby is gone, I'm hoping for a return to old school Nuggets ball, lots of 145-138 losses. Can Iverson chuck it up 2000 times? Minnesota won't be very good, but they're doing a decent job -- shocking, I know -- of rebuilding with Al Jefferson, Mike Miller and Kevin Love. It'd be nice if Randy Foye could remain healthy. Oklahoma City, take solace in the fact that you have a team, because it's going to be bad.

Pacific: Yes, with a healthy Bynum, the Lakers are going to go 73-9, yadda yadda yadda. I heard this shit in 2003-04 when Malone and Payton joined Shaq and Kobe. How did that turn out? Still, they'll be very good. I miss the Suns. The real ones, the NBA version of Air Coryell or those Warren Moon Oiler teams. Enough talent remains to steal a playoff series, but that's all. The Warriors? From, statistically, the greatest upset in NBA history to, within two short years, losing Baron and getting hit by the stupidity of last year's best player and probably missing the playoffs. How 'bout them Raiders? Baron Davis and Marcus Camby won't stay healthy, so the Clippers join Golden State on the golf course. Sacramento has Kevin Martin.

Eastern playoff teams: Boston, Detroit, Cleveland, Orlando, Philadelphia, Toronto, Miami, Washington.

Western playoff teams: L.A. Lakers, Utah, New Orleans, Houston, San Antonio, Portland, Phoenix, Dallas.

NBA Finals: LeBron is on a mission. [insert sports cliché of your choice] With another scoring option at his disposal, The King overcomes a mediocre-at-best bench to lose in the Finals to -- barf -- the Lakers, whereby 87 quadrillion talking hairpieces proclaim the greatness of Kobe -- is he best ever? -- while conveniently ignoring his superior supporting cast and the near triple-double LeBron lays on his punk ass night after night.


Sal Kilmister said...

You sell the Heat short, and you'll pay for that.

Border Explorer said...

Who needs Halloween with that NYTimes article? The photo alone scares the merde out of me.

susan said...

With news like this making the morning headlines I can understand why you'd rather post about basketball. I've been learning to run, bounce, jump and grab as Sackgirl in LBP since there are some rewards only 2 players working together can achieve. Yeah, positive goals even in an imaginary world are worth some time. Go for it, Kobe.

Übermilf said...

I think Chicago still has an NBA franchise, but I'm not sure.

Anonymous said...

NBA Finals: LeBron is on a mission. [insert sports cliché of your choice] With another scoring option at his disposal, The King overcomes a mediocre-at-best bench to lose in the Finals to -- barf -- the Lakers, whereby 87 quadrillion talking hairpieces proclaim the greatness of Kobe -- is he best ever? -- while conveniently ignoring his superior supporting cast and the near triple-double LeBron lays on his punk ass night after night..

And then Lebron leaves Cleveland high and dry for the $$ and the spotlight of NYC; the Mecca of basketball.

Randal Graves said...

sal, sell them short? I have them making the playoffs! You see their roster beyond Wade/Marion/Haslem/Beasley? Yikes!

BE, and just think, Mr. Cowart ain't the only one out there.

susan, hell, the nukes could be falling and I'd still post about basketball. Unless the nukes fell on all the arenas.

LBP is only available on the PS3, right? Down with Kobe!

übermilf, a mediocre one. Hahahahaha, etc.

spartacus, doing a cursory glance of impending free agency, I see these lists of who's still under contract in 2010:

Knicks: Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, Zach Randolph.

Cavs: Daniel Gibson, J.J. Hickson, Darnell Jackson, Delonte West, Mo Williams.

Advantage, Cavs. Plus, he can make more money contract-wise resigning with his current team, and he'll make mad huckster loot wherever he is. That said, since it's Cleveland, I'm sure he'll leave. Dude delivers us a title while he's still here, I'll be happy, believe me.

Dean Wormer said...

Yes, Oden is back. As long as he stays away from the Dance, Dance Revolution video game we'll be okay.

Although I'm hearing rumors from buddies that know him that he parties pretty hard. He could be another Jail Blazer...

We'll have to wait and see.

Randal Graves said...

Aw shit dean, don't say that. He's the starting center on my fantasy team.

La Belette Rouge said...

Thanks for embedding some political news in the midst of your basketballalouza. Perhpas you could put in some links to Nike, Adidas or whatever the basketball players favor. Just an idea. I am nothing if not full of ideas.

I am with Border Explorer, that was the scariest picture ever. You should have saved it for your Halloween post.

DivaJood said...

I believe the Chicago franchise is named The Bulls - and yes, they still play.

Jeeze, Randal. As for the scare tactics, I'm with Border Explorer on that too. What's up with you? Scaring your readership to death?

Randal Graves said...

LBR, if I put in a link to Nike I think Phil Knight strangles another third world child.

Shit, I'm going to have to come up with a Halloween post, aren't I. Well, better drink heavily this evening while brainstorming. Wait, you're full of ideas, gimme some! (no shoes, no service, no post)

diva, oh that's right, 33-49 last year I believe. Man, I can't win with you people! Too many naked ladies, too much fright. Don't make me put up more shots of McPOW.

Utah Savage said...

What the women said without the sports.

Dusty said...

Long live King James! Long live the KING!

I hate Kobe, sorry but I do...despise him.

Lebron has turned into a fine playa and his best years are ahead of him.

You making a b-ball fantasy league dude?

S.W. Anderson said...

"Laugh, damn you, laugh."

OK, no need to get huffy. That was funny and I laughed.

pissed off patricia said...

Since I have no clue about most of this, I'm going to tell you about last Sunday. Mr. Pop is a serious Bucs fan and you know which football team I favor. Okay last Sunday the Bucs played the Cowboys. We watched the game together. Way too uncomfortable for both of us. Neither wanted to cheer when the other's team fucked up. But in the end my team won so it's all good.

Randal Graves said...

utah, I aim to displease!

dusty, shit, I never really thought about it since I figured it would be harder to roundup enough players to pay daily attention.

SWA, thanks, the check is in the mail. It's in American dollars though, sorry.

POP, neither wanted to cheer? Team loyalty trumps all! I think next time the Bucs and Cowboys play you two should throw Nerf balls at each other.

Dean Wormer said...


I think I jinxed Oden. He hurt his foot in the opener last night against L.A.

Sorry about your fantasy team.

Randal Graves said...

dean, don't say a word about Chris Paul, please.

Karen Zipdrive said...

I think Tim Duncan still has one more championship in him.